Bliss, or something like it
by MackayFire
Summary: Blair/Chuck marriage mayhem. So the honeymoon didn't start off so sweet, but this was only the beginning. Apparently leaving the upper east side didn't mean the drama wouldn't follow.
1. Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

_**A/N: No idea where this came from, just starting writing. It will probably be a few chapters long depending how people like it. I'm still writing my Seb/Lydia story but I wanted to start another Chuck/Blair one. This chapter mainly concerns Blair.**_

Please read and review! :)

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This was not the way she wanted to spend the first few morning hours of being married. She was supposed to be spooning with her new husband in their warm bed not shakily hugging the toilet bowel in preparation to vomit. For the umpteenth time.

"Never again." She groaned out loud to herself.

"Marriage generally is a one time deal dearest." Stupid new husband.

"Shut up _Chuck_ you know what I mean." She whipped her head around to glare at him through the open doorway but the movement was apparently too violent and she braced herself for another minute of ungracefully emptying her stomach.

Why had they chosen Hawaii for their honeymoon? It was annoyingly bright in every corner of their suite even with the blinds pulled and the humidity did nothing for her nauseas let alone her hair.

"Well at least we're up to see the sunrise." His voice was pretend-bitter.

She was _actually _bitter that he wasn't also enduring the worst hangover since, like, ever. Weren't they now supposed to be equals in suffering and in joy? Something like that anyway, and she was definitely suffering. Suffering, agonising, dying. Yet _he_ had the gall to be annoyed? Men!

Although, admittedly if she was awoken at before dawn on her honeymoon by her husband moaning like a wounded animal while crawling on all fours to the bathroom she might be a little inclined to bitch.

She hoped he didn't expect a reply to his petty barb. All her concentration was being used to try and persuade her body to give her a break, her head and stomach were double teaming her into the foetal position on the marble floor. Mmm lovely, cool marble.

"Do you want me to carry you back to bed? I did pretty well hauling you over the threshold after all."

"Not so loud." She hissed through gritted teeth.

Chuck had risen from bed and walked confidently to the bathroom looking infuriatingly well rested and not so bleary eyed. He was just in his boxer shorts and his hair was adorably dishevelled, she would have recognised how sexy that was if it wasn't for her befuddled brain.

"You moved."

Chuck rolled his eyes but restrained himself from a acidic retort, he must have truly pitied her state. Yeah right. Instead he bent down and scooped her up in his arms like she weighed nothing.

"Please don't sway me!"

The world was rushing by at a sickening pace but closing her eyes just made it worse but it was some comfort when Chuck lay down beside her and rubbed her back.

"Just so we're clear, I am not kissing you today, I don't care how many times you claim to have brushed your teeth." He laughed loudly near her ear and was met with a trembling middle finger right between his eyes.

He rolled over on to his back, put his hands behind his head and continued talking as if nothing had happened.

"I think I'm going to try surfing again today, I haven't done it since I was twelve but it's such a nice day and when in Rome."

Her only reply was a guttural noise somewhere between a groan and a sigh.

"Obviously I'll just leave you here to writhe in your own sweat but I'll order you some room service and come check on you at lunch."

He was grinning from ear to ear, he was enjoying it way too much. Just because he had a steel stomach and well earned immunity to the effects of alcohol didn't mean she was so well endowed. In fact the entire month up until her wedding she hadn't touched any alcohol, she was too busy and needed a clear head so she had just stuck with water or grape juice until the wedding reception. What a mistake that was! Her body had apparently reverted it's reaction to champagne and cocktails back to when she was fourteen and first heavily indulged that particular vice. At least she could remember the ceremony and the dancing. The time from exiting the reception (or rather staggering) to waking up feeling like hell on earth were presently a disturbing blank. Chuck had apparently carried her over the threshold but she guessed it was more for practical reasons rather than traditional.

Her stomach swirled guiltily, lucky Chuck was low maintenance where sentimentality was concerned but she was less than thrilled that her first night married wasn't a night of relentless sex and happy memories.

Her only consolation was that Chuck had impulsively dragged her out of the hotel reception and into a room where he had gamely hefted up her many layers of wedding skirt and made love to her on the plush carpet. Carpet burn! At least that explained the grazed feeling on her upper back.

"You're seriously going to leave me here on my own?"

"As much as I love you you're going to be useless to me for at least half the day and the beach is like five steps from our patio. After having to put up with your insane snoring all night long on the jet _and_ in the suite I need some sort of amusement."

Blair wanted to hit him but the effort wasn't worth the physical repercussions.

"Whatever, why don't you go hook up with some hula-skirt wearing skank while your at it? Abandonment _and_ infidelity all in one day!"

Chuck rolled his eyes at how melodramatic she was but he was used to it.

"Well at least _she'd_ hopefully have minty-fresh breath unlike someone I know."

She would have attempted to smother him with his own perfect pillow if he wasn't looking down at her with an intoxicating mixture of amusement and affection.

"Get lost you soulless cad." Was all she bothered to attempt.

Blair rolled over so her face was in the pillow and waited for him to leave her being tortured by her own body. The door opened and closed with a click and he was gone.

He actually left her, the supposedly devoted husband had deserted his wife in her time of need and less than subtle agony! Alcohol was truly the bane of existence, closely followed by her neglectful spouse. He did look amazingly good but that wasn't the point.

She knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, the silence only focussed her attention back on to her unsettled stomach so she flipped through infomercials and world news for half an hour of restlessness. He actually left her! He didn't even say goodbye or slap her on the ass or any of the usual annoying but loving gestures she was familiar with.

Maybe he was upset about having to attend to her in her semi-comatose state, she noticed that he had stripped her out of her tight wedding dress into her favourite pyjamas sometime after they had arrived last night. The elegant white dress with jewelled corset and huge skirt was hung up in the open wardrobe, it took her half an hour to get _into_ it in the first place with Serena's help so she couldn't imagine how long it would have taken someone like Chuck to get her out of it. Guilt emerged through her self-pity, it had been Chuck's big night too and she probably should have made more of an effort to monitor her drinking.

She would show him, she wasn't completely hopeless. When she thought it was safe to do so, she rolled slowly off the bed and crawled once again to the bathroom. It was less degrading this time when her husband wasn't sniggering in her wake.

"Yuck!"

The bathroom smelt so putrid that she wanted to be sick all over again but she determinedly pulled herself up to get into the shower.

Half an hour later and she was smiling weakly in triumphant. She was showered and had changed into a cute yellow sundress and had wisely brushed her teeth and soaked herself in _Christian Dior_. The soft brown locks were a tangled mess, after having them doused in hair spray last night and bed hair today it was too much hassle to try and comb out the knots. Still, it looked passable as the curls weren't too wild and she didn't know anyone in the place that she had to impress. Usually she wouldn't step foot outside their apartment until she was sure she looked hotter than anyone had a right to be but her energy was drained and she couldn't be bothered.

"Waldorf you don't look half bad."

She quickly applied some lip gloss and massacre before her smile widened.

"Blair _Bass_ you don't look half bad."

Her legs were still a little shaky but she managed to move around the room to collect her purse and sunglasses among other pool-related items. Feeling very pleased with herself, she thought of leaving a note but the vision of Chuck returning and his potential panic and guilt at her absence had her retracting her hand from the proximity of the writing pad. A little stress would remind him of just what he could have lost had something terrible actually happened to her. These little life lessons were important.

Her mind was still processing everything at half-speed so she mentally checked items off her list of things she needed for a day by the pool sans her annoying beloved. She luckily remembered the key just as the door was closing behind her and she wedged her sparkly sandal in the small gap in time to re-enter and remedy the potential embarrassment of being locked out.

The sun was not Blair's friend, it was drowning her in blinding light whenever it could and she hadn't even reached the elevators yet, she couldn't wait to collapse on one of the _shaded_ loungers and just enjoy the atmosphere. She stepped into the elevator contemplating beverages that wouldn't make her feel more vile than she already was when she was interrupted from her thoughts by a male voice.

"Hi."

Blair turned to the man standing beside her.

"Uh."

__

Full sentences Bass. Real words would be helpful too.

"Do you want a mint?"

He reached his hand over to offer her one out of his packet, she quickly covered her mouth in shock.

"Is it that obvious?"

She had scrubbed her teeth until they had almost bled and now random strangers were whiffing her death-breath, it was humiliating.

"What?" Confusion marred his pleasant but plain face.

"My breath?"

He laughed nervously.

"Oh no I'm sure your breath is fine, it's just, um well my counsellor says I should reach out to people more. I'm kind of introverted usually but I've been working with him to be a more rounded person I guess. Kelly says it's a priority in our relationship for me to be the man she needs."

Blair smiled slightly, at first all she could think was 'whipped much buddy?' but he looked so earnest and expectant she couldn't just write him off.

"That's good, thanks for the mint."

She popped it into her mouth as his eyes widened.

"Shit I'm sorry I haven't even introduced myself! I'm Josh by the way."

He reached out again this time with an outstretched hand.

"I'm Blair."

"It's great to -"

The door opened on to the expansive lobby and Blair quickly rushed out.

"Well nice meeting you Josh."

She gave him her best smile and walked towards the pool area.

"Are you going to the pool too?"

_No shit Sherlock._

"Ah yes."

"Me too! Shall we walk together?"

Blair nodded and smiled tightly, she was hardly in the mood for company but he reminded her so much of a lonely puppy that anything but the utmost politeness felt like she was wounding him somehow. It was highly annoying when all she wanted to do was be a self-pitying bitch.

What was it about holidays? It was like the normal rules of society didn't apply anymore, people just did whatever the fuck they pleased. Back home, a weedy guy like Josh would never have approached someone like Blair. Then suddenly they are on a tropical island and everyone is supposed to merge and get along like something miraculous has changed. It sort of reminded her of the forced school camps where the social cliques were deliberately split and forced to work with others in ridiculous and usually humiliating team building exercises. As far as she could see, her and Josh had nothing in common apart from their choice of locale but now she had to suffer him otherwise she was going against some weird vacation protocol. If he didn't seem so unassuming she might have been more inclined to tell him to fuck off but as it was she felt sorry for him. He was genuinely trying to be nice after all. What had Chuck said? When in Rome.

She luckily found a deserted lounger close to the pool action (there was a game of water volleyball with hot students going on) and not in direct sunlight. Apparently Josh didn't need a lounger, he just plopped his towel on the concrete next to her and lay down happily like it wasn't the most uncomfortable position in the world.

She tried to ignore him by turning her ipod on but by the way his mouth was moving she assumed he was trying to have a conversation. She sighed quietly to herself and obliged him.

"Sorry?"

"I just said you're lucky."

"How so?"

"Well from that almighty rock attached to your wedding finger I'd say you're married and well you are just naturally beautiful. Must be nice to not have to make an effort, it's not a come on or anything I'm happily married myself it's just an observation. Kelly, my wife, says I should be more vocal with my thoughts. A lady never rejects a compliment apparently."

He looked slightly embarrassed. She would be too if she were him, his wife sounded more like his mother.

"I'm sorry my mouth never opened a year ago and now suddenly I can't shut up. I guess that's love for you."

Blair just smiled again, feeling that saying nothing was the best option. She found it amusing they were both married yet neither had their spouse around.

"Where's your wife?"

She couldn't help her curiosity, she was half hoping she was curled in foetal position with alcohol poisoning too just so she didn't feel alone in being a shitty wife. That thought however probably made her a shitty person. Oh well.

"She's having a spa day with one of her friends. It's our one year anniversary so we came here for a week with another couple we know."

"How romantic."

She didn't mean it to sound so sarcastic but it wouldn't be her cup of tea. As much as she loved Serena and even Dan somewhat by extension, the idea of celebrating her marriage with them coming along seemed ridiculous.

"I guess so! I'm not really one for sun, my skins gets this itchy rash any time I'm in it too long but life's about compromise right?"

Blair just made a sound of vague acknowledgement hoping he'd get the hint.

"So where's your husband?"

"Who the fuck knows? Beach probably."

Josh looked taken aback by this response and she was secretly pleased. Just because he bent over backwards to give his 'sweetheart' everything she demanded didn't mean Blair had to.

"Why didn't you join him?"

"I'm a little hungover from the wedding."

This also was about as foreign to Josh as social competency.

"You're only just married?"

_He really is amazingly obvious._

"Yep."

"Oh."

That 'oh' seemed to hold so much meaning that Blair didn't really want to discern. It was a kind of disappointed disillusionment as if he was expecting Blair and Chuck to be attached to the face and reciting Shakespearean sonnets just because she had changed her last name. Sure it meant a lot being married but it didn't mean she was going to have a personality transplant. Her and Chuck had always made it their attitude that marriage was just the icing on an already yummy, orgasmic-inducing cake.

"Shouldn't you be swimming or something?"

"I'm allergic to chlorine."

She began laughing so hard she was sure she'd start up another hurling fit but she couldn't help it.

"You come on holiday to somewhere sunny to a hotel with the biggest pool on the island and wait around while your wife is getting pampered?"

Josh instead of taking offence began to chuckle himself.

"You're the one who is completely fucked on her first day of married life while her husband has left her to her own devices."

"Good boy. No mincing of words. That I like."

"It just kind of came out."

"What your _own_ opinions?"

"No, well yes. Kelly doesn't like my abrasive side."

"It's called honesty. Like me asking you if you're always such a doormat."

She wasn't sure how mean she could be before he would break down. It wasn't her intention but his flip from spineless dweeb to using cynical humour was so quick and unexpected she wasn't sure he wouldn't revert back as if she'd imagined the personality shift.

"Yeah I pretty much am. I know it's obvious, I know you probably think I'm pathetic."

"Then why put up with it?"

"Because I want to make my wife happy. Making her happy makes me happy enough to take everything else in my stride."

"Aren't you just pretending to be something your not?"

"Maybe but it works for us. Just like getting plastered at your wedding works for you. I can't understand how you can be so blasé about your marriage just like you can't understand how I can be a pushover. Everyone is different."

Blair wasn't sure how to reply to that. She wanted to mention that she might not be selfless or even mature but at least she hadn't committed to a sham. His kind smile stopped her, he didn't deserve that kind of honesty. At least not from her.

"If you say so."

"Do you and your husband want to have dinner with us tonight?"

Her first reaction was to laugh. Josh took it as pleasant surprise rather than a response to such an absurd question. Yet when she thought of Chuck's constipated smile at having to make nice with doormat Josh and his anti-christ wife she couldn't refuse. To satisfy her curiosity at least.

"Sure we'd love to."

"Great!"

"Are you sure it's okay though? I wouldn't want you making engagements without the consent of your mother, I mean wife."

He choose to ignore her teasing and barely supressed smirk.

"It will be fine. She loves meeting new people." He sounded slightly unconvinced himself. It only made her more eager to meet such a woman.

"Then dinner it is. Shall we meet in the lobby at eight and search out somewhere nice?"

"Perfect! Do you have any allergies?"

"No, why?"

"Kelly likes to be kept abreast of everyone's health requirements, that way she can sort out your orders so you aren't served something that will harm you. It sounds controlling but it comes from a place of kindness."

Blair tried not to giggle immaturely at his use of 'abreast'.

"Okay well neither me or Chuck have allergies to anything."

"Good. One time we dined out with my cousin who was allergic to practically everything and it took an hour for Kelly to sort it out and ended up fighting with the cook. My cousin hasn't visited us since. Tonight will be great though, if nothing else my therapist will die of shock at my sociability."

She couldn't help grinning, the day may have started shitty but with a potentially amusing evening with a control freak to look forward to she was put in a better mood.

She could hear Chuck groaning already.

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A/N: Hehe cruel Blair! The Josh character was influenced slightly by my love of Mr. Collins in the Pride and Prejudice mini-series. He's hilarious! 


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

_**A/N: Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! The next chapter wont be up for a good couple of weeks as uni work is swamping me. This is reasonably long to keep you going. **_

puresimplicity-xo: I love Mr Collins, I mean he's stupid and slimy and oblivious but he's always a good laugh. He's a sort of love to hate kind of character for me. Sort of like Chuck used to be, except way hotter. Pride and Prejudice is awesome :) I could write about how Mr. Darcy and Chuck are also similar but then you'd never get around to reading this chapter :P

Reviews are dynamite!

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After another hour of listening to music and perving on topless jocks from the university of Iowa (she may have also chatted to a few) Blair returned to the honeymoon suite for lunch.

She had determined to try and make her husband fret as to her whereabouts but a) Chuck didn't fret and b) she had a new torture tactic instead who went by the names of Kelly and Josh Harmond.

"Where have you been?"

Chuck was busy fiddling with his blackberry on the bed when she got back, apparently he couldn't disconnect from work even when he was supposed to be relaxing.

"Out."

He rolled his eyes.

"You _don't_ say."

"How was your surfing? Attacked by any sharks?"

"Nope, I even caught a few waves."

"Pity."

"I take it you're still a little bitter."

"Not really, I just felt like being a bitch."

Chuck smiled at that, that was his wife. She didn't even feel the need to give some sort of justification for being mean, that was true love. Or at least Chuck's version of it.

"Is it out of your system now?"

Blair smirked in a way that gave him little comfort.

"What have you done wife of mine?"

"I went to the pool and met a nice man who invited us to dinner tonight with his wife."

"I'm hoping you said no but knowing that you know that I'm assuming you agreed."

She lay down next to him and made to kiss his lips which she was surprised to find he didn't object to, but instead lowered to trail kisses down his neck.

"I take that as a yes."

"You know me too well."

"Unfortunately yes."

She snuggled into his side and he kissed her hair as if they hadn't been bickering only moments before.

"I'm sorry I was a mess last night. I got carried away and screwed up the most important day of our lives."

She looked and felt genuinely remorseful. Being with Josh had made her thankful for the husband she had, even if she didn't always show it.

"Don't sweat it. You're mine now either way. Although you could make it up to me."

Blair sat up so she could move over to straddle him.

"Oh?"

Chuck grinned up at her.

"Yes. Cancel the dinner."

Her face fell and she went to get off him but he kept her pinned to him by holding her hips.

"I'm not going to, it's only dinner and then we'll come back and you can do anything you like with me for the rest of the night."

"I have that anyway. It's called inalienable rights darling."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud! You're usually the party animal anyway!"

Chuck groaned just the way she expected him to.

"Fine on two conditions."

"Name them."

"Firstly, I want you to learn to surf with me. Secondly, I get to name our first child."

Blair would have scoffed that the second term was too steep for a stupid dinner she wasn't that interested in either but the mention of children made her heart leap in excitement. Besides, by the time they had a child he would have forgotten about the deal and if not she'd insist on them deciding together after hours of dreaded labour. She'd even make him watch the birth just to prove how deserving she was to get her way.

"Okay."

"Really?"

He had made the conditions up for his own amusement, he didn't expect her to adhere to them.

"Of course, I want you to be happy. Marriage is about compromise right?"

"Bullshit, where did that come from?"

Blair sighed, she could never bullshit him which was a sign of true intimacy but it was also a pain in the ass.

"My 'new friend' Josh. He's ridiculous in an endearing sort of way."

"My kind of guy then."

"Be nice, you'll like him eventually. If not, you'll enjoying making fun of him."

"It _is_ rather intriguing. He has to have something going for him if he could have befriended you when you were hungover."

_Persistence_, was what she wanted to add but didn't think it would encourage his current compliance.

"Exactly."

"When is it?"

"Eight."

"Fine, then let's have some lunch, fuck all day and go out."

Blair giggled softly.

"So like every other day?"

"What can I say? I'm a creature of habit."

Blair flung off the dress sticking to her back as Chuck ripped off his own sweaty shirt.

"Hey I'm not complaining hubby. Fuck me senseless."

Chuck laughed. Why couldn't something like that have been in the wedding vows?

"_I do_."

He spoke the words in the exact same way he did at the altar and it still made her melt. The humble look on his face and intense gaze assured her that she could fall in love with him a hundred times over whether he was being a dick or not. In this case not, which made it all the more romantic.

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"How do I look?"

Blair twirled around in her strapless red Dolce&Gabana dress to get his attention.

"You're glowing. I like to think I had something to do with that."

Blair rolled her eyes.

"Do you want me to pat you on the back?"

"You're pretty ungrateful considering most wives barely having satisfying sex at all let alone four times in one day."

She couldn't argue there, he was definitely a catch in that department as well as all the others. It didn't help his ego to agree though.

"If you say so."

He laughed incredulously, if it had been any other woman on the planet receiving multiple orgasms from a handsome heir to billions they would have been thanking their lucky stars at such good fortune but not Blair. She acted like it was expected, or due her all along. That's probably why she was the only woman he could ever spend the rest of his life with. She was unique.

"Chuck! You're not even dressed!"

It was five minutes to eight and Chuck was still sauntering around in a towel. Water glistened on his chest as he leaned up against the bathroom door. Blair kicked herself for asking him to ever cloth himself. It should be illegal for him to ever not be naked, in fact that was going to be her new rule in their apartment when they got home.

"We're always fashionably late. No faceless acquaintance makes a Bass rush. We'll get there when we're ready and if they don't like it then tough shit."

"I can tell you're going to make a good first impression."

She couldn't help smiling though, she was a Bass now too. She was a part of New York royalty that determined their own rules and pleased only themselves.

Finally, ten minutes later, Chuck was dressed in a salmon shirt and loose black tie. He had teased that he'd wear shorts to complete the ensemble but Blair had literally forced him into sensible dress pants. It was like living with a child but it was fun running her hands up his thighs.

"Hey guys!"

Josh was slouched against a marble statue in the middle of the lobby when they arrived.

"Hi Josh. This is my husband Chuck."

"Pleasure to meet you Chuck."

He extended a hand which Chuck took.

"And you."

"Where's the wife?"

"Oh she got bored so went out to have a smoke. It's a lovely night, not too hot."

He was fidgeting with his hands as if he was in dire need of nicotine also so Chuck diplomatically suggested they go out and meet Kelly on the way.

"Honey bear these are our new friends."

Kelly was not what Blair had expected. She looked like one of those wealthy trophy wives just coming off of a golf course. She couldn't have been a day under fourty although immaculately put together. Josh, Blair guessed was barely thirty.

"Very nice to make your acquaintance."

Her eyes had lit up as soon as she had noticed them, or rather Chuck. Blair didn't mind, she was used to it.

"Shall we walk along the street to find some food?" Either Chuck was desperately hungry or longing to make the time go faster but at least it moved them out of the hotel entrance way.

"Of course."

Kelly took her husband's hand, her long bleach blond hair reminded her a little of Serena's. Only Serena's was natural and she wasn't an overly tan, annoyingly pretty older woman.

"So Chuck, you seem familiar."

He put an arm around Blair's waist and chuckled into her neck affectionately. She didn't know if he wanted to out-sap the couple next to them or just wanted to cause a stir. Either way she liked it.

"My father is Bart Bass."

"Wonderful! I work in finance so I know all about him. You're practically famous."

She squeezed her husband's hand and gave him a blinding smile as if to say 'good job honey' but Josh seemed less than pleased at this new revelation.

"Always nice to meet a fan."

Blair struggled not to giggle.

"So Blair that's a stellar outfit. How old are you?"

"Old enough to vote."

The dry humour washed right over Kelly.

"Fabulous! You can't be that old then, I'm guessing twenty five?"

"Twenty three actually, we graduated from college last year and have been travelling around Europe since then."

Kelly hummed wistfully.

"What a life! Isn't it cuddle bunny?"

The creature cuddle bunny was apparently her husband, no wonder he had issues.

"It sure is. There's Mexican! Fancy it?"

His wife frowned at the colourful exterior of the busy mexican restaurant.

"They wont want to eat at a garish cantina. Remember what we talked about? Think before you speak."

"Actually we'd love to eat there."

Blair didn't want to really but she hated Kelly already. Chuck looked less than thrilled but he sensed her train of thought and conceded. Kelly smiled thinly and sauntered in front of them to order a table.

"So Josh what do you do?"

Blair had excused herself to go to the bathroom so Chuck thought it the lesser of two evils to talk shop with Josh rather than Kelly who kept staring at his butt.

"I'm a writer."

"Great. What do you write?"

"Science fiction novels."

"Any I would have heard of?" He hadn't heard of any science fiction novels considering he never had time to read but he asked for the sake of conversation.

"Well my most famous is 'battle of the Egyptian spacemen.'"

Chuck grinned.

"Oh so it's like a piss take? That's cool."

"No."

"Oh, right."

Kelly rolled her eyes upon hearing the tail end of the conversation.

"Don't worry Chuck he's not going to continue that nonsense for much longer. He is going to pursue more substantial goals aren't you sweetie?"

Josh cleared his throat and looked downtrodden, he was perfectly nice but Chuck disliked him for taking such crap from someone claiming to love him.

Luckily Blair returned and ended the awkward direction the conversation was heading.

"Let's eat I'm starved."

The restaurant was pleasant enough and was crowded with other patrons talking loudly to each other above the Mexican music. The wooden tables were dotted with colourful cocktails and even if it wasn't their usual five star haunt the mouth-watering smell from the kitchen alone convinced Blair to stay.

"It's like an actual restaurant in Mexico with all the sombreros and paintings, delightful!"

Blair agreed absentmindedly as they all found a table close to the window so they could look out on to the bustling street and across from that was the beach. Blair had immediately ordered two bottles of wine for the table and was browsing her menu while Kelly grilled Chuck about the details of living 'la vida loca'. Josh sat folding his napkin obsessively while listening sulkily. The table to their left was so close to their table Blair could have heard their conversation if there was any.

Except there wasn't.

In curiosity, she turned to inspect the obviously mute couple and saw a pretty blonde girl who was making faces at her boyfriend who was pretending to stare at his menu and not laugh. The girl reminded Blair of Jenny and the guy was boyishly handsome, from the way he was now grinning, he also had a killer smile.

"Stop it!"

The girl only stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes in response.

"Not until you laugh Benny boy."

He shook his head resolutely but gave her a half smile. For some reason it was highly amusing and interesting to Blair who was stuck with the most mismatched couple ever.

"Blair darling are you quite alright?"

"Sorry?"

"Well you were staring intently at the couple next to you. I hope you aren't displaced with your menu. You're probably used to much better back in the big apple you spoilt little thing."

Apparently that comment warranted Kelly touching Chuck's hand at which Josh stiffened. Unfortunately Kelly was loud enough to alert the couple Blair was now not-so-secretly observing.

If Blair was one to blush, she would be scarlet with mortification and anger. Why did Kelly have to alert the obvious? Not to mention touching her husband's hand. What a bitch. The girl from the next table smiled amiably at her.

"Don't worry I people watch too. You must think I'm unhinged though with the crazy faces."

This got her boyfriend laughing.

"Believe me I've met unhinged-"

She unintentionally rolled her eyes over to Kelly who was gazing at Chuck like her own personal saviour.

"- and you're not it."

"I'm Lea. Thank you for making Ben laugh."

"I'm Blair and you're welcome."

"Are you on the island for a holiday?"

"Honeymoon."

Ben paled slightly and went back to skimming the drinks menu.

"Congratulations!"

"Thanks."

Having a conversation with strangers across dinner tables was a first for Blair but they seemed so much more normal (face pulling aside) than her dinner companions that she immediately warmed to them. Kelly was staring daggers at Lea when Chuck began to take notice as if they were stealing her new friends. If only.

"Blair darling lets keep the chatter between us shall we? Or we'll never get to know each other."

Blair gave Lea a look that said 'see the shit I have to put up with?' and her new friend gave her a sympathetic look albeit slightly confused. She couldn't blame her. She was confused herself as to why she had gotten herself into this. Wanting to piss off Chuck was now backfiring as he was visibly enjoying being fawned over and she was seething with indignation.

"Shall we order? Let's not get starters, the meals seem big enough."

Kelly cheerfully agreed but Josh looked just as tortured as Blair felt. She quickly ordered her meal, luckily she had slipped the waiter a good few hundred in order to get their food out first (going to the toilet being a convenient excuse) and now just had to wait. Kelly took a full five minutes to convey to the waiter exactly how she liked her food to be in an excruciatingly slow way even though the exasperated waiter replied in perfect English.

"So Josh, are you a golfer like Chuckles here?"

'Chuckles' looked visibly disgusted.

"Chuckles?"

Blair just smiled smugly and took his hand. He smiled smugly right back.

"Blair Bear care for some champagne? After all this is a celebration, let's get dessert too. Maybe some coffee after that? We have all night."

Blair's face fell. He wanted to play did he? Fine with her.

"Why not! Oh why don't you take Josh out surfing tomorrow too? I know you've been keen for a partner."

Both Chuck and Josh looked like they'd been smacked across the face but Kelly was beaming.

"Do darling! Me and Blair can watch from the beach and chat away."

"Kelly you know I'm deathly allergic to jellyfish."

"So? It's not likely you'll get stung."

"Deathly honey. That means _death_."

"Well if you will be a kill joy."

There was a lull in the conversation and Blair was already devising further sabotage of her beloved husband when said beloved's hand travelled south rapidly and found itself massaging areas of Blair that were still recovering from certain afternoon delights.

"Chuck!"

He was doing delightfully inappropriate things to her while he was still talking animatedly with Kelly and only turned to her casually at her outburst.

"Blair bear?"

Stupid smug ass.

"Uh, what did you order?"

_Nice recovery. Idiot._

"Toros Tostadas."

Blair wished for the food to miraculously appear before them so that Chuck would need two hands and she wouldn't need a cold shoulder.

Shit.

The self-confessed people watcher was now returning the favour, Lea blushed when she realised what she was witnessing and that Blair had caught her while getting herself. Ben was hissing down his cell phone obliviously.

"Uh."

"Um."

Blair ripped Chuck's hand away like it had been red hot and he pushed back his Chair to see what the problem was. When he eyed both Blair and Lea looking horrified he laughed.

"What's so funny Chuck dear?"

Kelly was again glaring at Lea, Josh hadn't said anything in ages and Blair wanted to slap him for it. She wanted to slap them all, especially Chuck, that might ease her abject humiliation.

"So Blair, where did you get married?"

Lea was smiling hopefully and Blair was fine moving on.

"New York."

"Any hitches?"

"Does it count when your bridesmaid outshines you?"

"Yep that definitely does. What is she a supermodel?"

"Yeah."

"Bad choice amigo. Always go for the plain Janes to precede you down the aisle."

Blair nodded, eternally thankful that Lea had made the situation less nightmarish.

"I'll have to remember that for my next wedding."

"Glad to be of service."

They both cut their conversation off when their food arrived. Kelly picked at her meal, something told Blair she wasn't used to eating full stop. Apparently with a burrito as encouragement, Josh began to talk.

"So how did you two meet?"

"High school."

Kelly squealed so unnaturally high all tables in the vicinity turned to look at what was making such a noise. Chuck was grinning from ear to ear, at least Blair was right about Chuck enjoying watching such a lunatic.

"That is so cute! You were high school sweathearts! Was it love at first sight?"

Chuck burst into laughed.

"Not quite. It was more like disgust then thinly veiled hate, mutual understanding, friendship, lust and finally the big L. It was a slow, painful process."

Blair smiled in rememberance.

"I dated his best friend for years, I thought he'd be my husband but I was young and naïve. I obviously didn't realise that the constant pain in my ass was the only guy interesting enough to be with me for the rest of my life. Turns out he's still annoying."

"You're hardly perfect either. I could have had any of the panting beauties of New York."

Blair scoffed while directing her attention to Josh.

"I was the only one who could contain his ego, otherwise he'd be a Lex Luthor by now."

If Josh's expression was anything to go by, he appreciated the comic book reference. Chuck and Blair held hands under the table, talking about the past always made her nostalgic.

"Blair are you sure you want to be treating Chuck like that? Someone of Chuck's callibre can pursue greener pastures if pushed."

Blair pursued her lips.

"Honey, darling Kelly I _am_ the greener pastures. I'm the fucking Elysian fields as far as my husband's concerned. He might be rich but he's just as stunted and petty as most males so as far as I'm concerned his calibre is the same as mine."

She turned to Chuck.

"How am I treating you hun? Do I need to sugar coat it more?"

Chuck leaned in and kissed her passionately before bringing his gaze back casually to Kelly.

"That's what she's got that the panting beauties didn't."

Kelly looked rather shell shocked but recovered.

"What's that? Insolence?"

"I like to call it spunk. Plus she's great in bed."

Josh half choked on his margarita and Kelly whacked him on the back in annoyance.

"Goodness Josh can't you even swallow competently?"

Blair smiled sympathetically at Josh.

"I think he's doing just fine."

Blair scooped up some of the mince and rice on her plate with her fork and moved it towards Chuck's mouth.

"Try that, it's really spicy but you'll like it."

He did as he was told and nodded his head in approval. As he stared at her she mouthed 'I love you'. He smirked and patted her leg in a patronising gesture that meant 'I love you too' in ass-speak.

An hour of awkward conversation later and they had the cheque.

"Since I'm the token millionaire I think I'll pay."

Josh huffed but said nothing as usual and Kelly smiled sweetly.

"What a gentleman."

She had deliberately not engaged Blair in any further conversation since their earlier blow up so it was mainly Blair and Josh chatting with Chuck having to put up with Kelly's saccharine flattery. Every so often Lea would look over and pull a funny face at Blair. It was so strange Blair couldn't help making one back.

"Shall we go?"

As they were getting up Lea impulsively stoop up too.

"Hey Blair?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to come clubbing with us? I realise it's your honeymoon but it's only if you're not doing anything."

Blair wanted to say yes mainly because Lea was the sort of person she wanted to know but also because it was the surest way of getting rid of Kelly. She didn't seem the type to rave all night which was precisely the appeal.

"Chuck how do you feel about exploring the nightlife?"

One look at Kelly's constipated smile and Chuck was in.

* * *

A/N: More of Lea and Ben and Chuck/Blair goodness next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

__

Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

_**A/N: I was supposed to write my essays but I ended up writing this instead! I wanted to give you all something, all the reviews kept my fingers typing decidedly non-academic text. Anyway, let me know what you think, especially of Lea and Ben. Hugs from me to all my reviewers too :D you know who you are!**_

Cocomango: The dark and brooding ones are definitely the best! Chuck is kind of like Mr Darcy in the fact they are both proud and self-absorbed in the beginning but then you get these glimpses of sweetness and vulnerability. Plus they are both condescending and biting (at least for Darcy in the beginning). Now I'm thinking of what Chuck would be like in period England hehe Ed Westwick is british after all. Those who haven't seen the _Pride and Prejudice_ mini series are seriously missing out on many swoon-worthy moments. Anyway sorry long rant!

If you guys have any questions or anything don't hesitate to let me know or email me :) it's always great to hear from you!

Anyway chapter time!

* * *

"We definitely didn't have the conventional newlywed experience today did we?"

Chuck scoffed and squinted slightly as morning light began to filter through the blinds of their hotel room.

"When are we ever conventional? Besides, we can afford to do things differently."

Blair rolled over so her hand draped across her husband's bare chest and she could look up at him from the pillow.

"Good point, is it selfish to be secretly happy I didn't end up with the broken nose?"

Chuck laughed.

"Of course it is but I wouldn't expect anything less. The fact you're even questioning it must mean you really like Lea."

"I do, I mean I'm definitely not in the market for any more girl friends but she's so different from all the others I can at least have her as a good acquaintance. Plus she offered to put us up if we come to Boston, of course I didn't tell her your father owned two hotels there but it was nice to offer."

"She beats some of the sycophants you hang out with so I'm not complaining."

"You're just happy you have a surfing buddy in Ben."

"True, we can talk about all the fine ass we are never going to have again and reminisce nostalgically about how once upon a time we could just fuck and leave without having to do housework and talk about our feelings."

He wiggled his eyebrows in a playful manner that earned him an equally playful slap hard on his chest which resulted in a noise of pain and surprise.

"When do _you_ ever do housework Bass? We have like three maids."

"Hey! I picked up a towel a few weeks ago, I also pulled a few of your hairs out of the sink. Fairly gross."

"Wow you have such a warped sense of the world that it's impressive."

"I aim to please."

"It was an awesome night in the end though."

"Yes it was, let's just hope we don't run into Josh and Kelly again."

"Well you know how we solve that Mr. Bass?"

Chuck raised a sceptical eyebrow, obviously hoping to hire a hitman or just fly somewhere else. Fiji maybe?

"How is that Mrs. Bass?"

"We just stay in bed for the next week, live of room service and _entertain_ ourselves."

She waggled her eyebrows trying to imitate her husband but it just looked freaky, he didn't tease her. Goofy Blair was a rare and treasured appearance.

"I can never deny you anything."

She got back on top of him to reward his easy agreement.

* * *

_Eight hours earlier._

The waiting line for the latest club '_Mighty Mighty' _that they had set their sights on was absurdly long. It stretched loosely around a corner and down half a block, full of noisy half wits slurring loudly about some nonsense or other. Blair wasn't used to it, in New York they simply had to appear at the best hot spots and they gained automatic entry. She had taken bypassing angry queuers for granted and now she was one of them. She guessed if she was desperate she could flourish Chuck's identification in front of the bored security guard but she didn't want Lea to think she was a snob.

Besides it gave her time to learn about her new friend. Lea was twenty two, from Boston and when she wasn't working as an assistant at an art gallery she worked in a chocolate shop. '_Death by chocolate'_ had been her workplace since she was a teenager and the old owner was apparently like a grandfather to her so she had made sure to stay on even when it was hardly convenient and paid minimum wage. That's also where she met Ben who always ordered nine vanilla cream chocolates on his way to work as a hedge fund trader.

"Why nine?" Blair asked.

"He has a thing about that number, he was born on the 9th of September and somehow he always pictures it as the underdog number to ten. Plus he works about nine hours a day so he pops one subtly into his mouth as a reward for getting through another hour of excruciatingly dull monotony."

Ben had looked embarrassed at this reply, whether it was because he was predictable or because he secretly ate chocolate so religiously Blair wasn't sure but it gave him an innocent eccentricity that made him likeable.

"It isn't _that_ bad Lea, we can't all work in chocolate shops! I just like to have something that makes me think of you, knowing you made them and how delicious they were gives me a thrill of excitement during my day, even before we were dating. How lame is that?"

Chuck had laughed, replied with 'very lame' and received a swift slap across the back of the head from his wife.

Ben and Chuck had then discussed work, once Ben knew who he was they had an animated discussion about his stocks and shares and seemed like kids in a candy store for a good half an hour. Blair had tuned out of eavesdropping on that conversation as soon as it had begun. It amused Blair that once they had exhausted their common interests they just lapsed into easy silence, quite content to take in the world around them or listen to the girls. Blair hated silence with someone new but they both seemed to have an unspoken agreement that an hour of conversation was enough for one night. Men! Chuck was so predictable, he glided easily from topic to topic but he evaded or ignored personal stuff or anything sincere that might attach him to someone unnecessarily. Blair could practically hear warning bells when any mention of his father or his childhood popped up and Chuck smiled it off to something completely different. Only Blair had the full range of Chuck conversation and even a day talking to him would only be the tip of the iceberg. She almost felt it was a shame so few people would know it all.

Blair had talked to Leah about her life as they flitted from bar to bar. It wasn't that she was completely self-absorbed it was just that it was so different and glamarous from Lea's life that she had insisted on knowing everything and squealed delightedly when she had describe their apartment (an entire two floors at the top of one of the most exclusive buildings on the upper east side no less) or their friends. Lea was envious of Blair's life but then who wasn't? She truly had it all and she wasn't ashamed of it. What was the point in being falsely modest? It seemed insulting to play down such a great life. Lea didn't mind, she was happy with her lot and Blair couldn't blame her. Ben was great. The drunker he got the more fun he became and finally she could see how such seemingly opposite people could have fallen in love. Blair had stopped drinking after the restaurant having learnt her lesson and Chuck was cautiously sober as if expecting Blair to collapse spontaneously into the disaster she was the night before.

The queue still hadn't moved and it was after one in the morning. It was warm but tiredness was making Blair shiver anyway. Ben gallantly draped his jacket over her shoulders.

"So we have a favour to ask you guys."

Chuck raised his eyebrows.

"I'm not investing money with you."

He thought it better to be safe than sorry, he had had people in the past cosey up to him in the hopes of securing a deal of some sort.

Ben sniggered.

"Dude I can't handle the workload I have _now_ I'm not going to try and land a whale on my break! I might just have a stroke. So no that's not it."

"What then?"

"We're getting married!"

Lea and Blair did the whole jumping-up-and-down-squealing-together bonding thing that Chuck didn't understand but he calmly gave his congratulations to an equally bemused Ben.

"When and where?"

Lea looked sombre for a moment and Ben dropped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him to kiss her intensely. It wasn't the sort of show Kelly and Josh put on that made Blair want to puke all over their shoes thank god.

"I want this to happen, I love you and I want you to be my wife. I don't care how."

Blair had frowned in confusion.

"What's the problem?"

Ben coughed.

"This is an elopement."

The way he said it was so stern and determined it sounded more like he should have said 'this is a hold up' and waved a gun around.

Ah eloping, how honestly Blair had considered that course of action in becoming Chuck's wife. Planning a wedding, even with two wedding planners (one paid-for, the other her mother) was the most stressful thing she had ever done. It felt like she was catering to everyone else's wishes rather than her own. Chuck had kept out of it all wisely but she didn't have the same luxury. It was like those birthday parties when she was younger where _who_ came dictated _what _you did and both of those were a statement of who you were and where you belonged in the youth elite. Her wedding was no different and if it hadn't been so beautiful and run so smoothly at the rehearsal she might have abducted Chuck and married in Hawaii just like Lea.

"Why do you look like your going to a christmas sale? Getting married isn't that dreadful."

Lea sighed.

"His parents pretty much hate me because they are loaded and I'm 'wasting my life in sales'. They tolerated me as a fling but they threatened to disown Ben when he mentioned getting engaged. This our last option, we don't want them at our wedding and my parents aren't around so it's just us."

"That sucks. Fuck them I say."

Chuck's unusually passionate outburst wasn't surprising, he knew what it was like to have a parental figure constantly disappointed in you.

Lea beamed at his response.

"You're a sarcastic ass but I like you. You're perfect."

Chuck smirked in bemused surprise, very very few people called Chuck out so brazenly. Yet the fact she wasn't a shrieking slut like most of Blair's 'friends' (Serena excluded of course) automatically earned his respect.

"Thanks, I think."

"Awesome I'm so glad."

"Did I miss something?"

Finally the line moved and they were able to get into the pumping club. It was pretty much the same as other clubs, Blair had seen a lot of clubs in more countries in the world than pairs of Jimmy Choos in her closet so it was hardly exciting. Being sober also left Blair less inclined to try and dance among the heaving mass of bodies. It was less effort when you were smashed and everyone seemed much nicer too. Now all she wanted to do was sit down and take off her heels after three hours sleep the night before and sore feet. That was the price of wearing in new shoes and getting fucked (sadly no pun intended) on your wedding night. Luckily Lea and Ben moved to the bar to snatch a few available stools as a short red-head collapsed off the side of one and her male friend slid off his to help her up. The red-head hiccuped and giggled inanely. She'd feel the bruise in the morning and it made Blair feel a little happy and superior. No more being on all fours for Blair today, at least not without the pay off.

"What are you guys drinking? My shout for doing us a favour!"

"Diet coke for me and a whisky for Chuck. Best there is."

Chuck looked at his wife with a frown.

"I can order my own drink."

"I know but you'd order water because you're 'all protective of your woman'-

Her husband supressed a chuckle at the imitation of a black woman she was using as though all black people called their wives 'woman' but she was being thoughtful and that didn't deserve a patronising remark.

"- and I want you to enjoy yourself. I'm vertical and completely coherent I'm not going to need a babysitter tonight okay?"

He relented reluctantly only because Ben was already halfway through ordering and it was too much effort to shout over the constant noise for an alteration.

"Fine you twisted my arm. So what's the favour they asked for?"

"It's probably to borrow my wedding dress or something. In which case I'd say 'hell no biatch' but I'd quite happily by her a different one."

"Darling please stop channelling a black female it's getting creepy."

"Shut yo' face snowflake or I'll pop a cap in yo' ass."

She giggled to herself in amusement. It was probably completely racist but she was hysterical with fatigue. That was her excuse. Chuck pulled her close to him and kissed her earlobe, it was the place that sent shivers down her spine. Well actually, everywhere he touched gave her an electric shock but her earlobe was a particular favourite and the most appropriate in public.

"Aren't you being generous for your new friend?"

"What can I say? I'm the patron saint of desperate brides. Besides we know what it's like to try and organise a wedding it must be even worse without help and cash. Plus the whole 'people not getting their relationship' is a little too familiar not to be helped out."

"True. We're paying it forward, it's probably good karma for a new married couple to come to the aid of an engaged pair right?"

"Aw Chuckles you're such a romantic."

He rolled his eyes but was saved from a reply when Ben and Lea came back with their drinks.

"Your refreshments!"

Blair was quick to take their beverages off Lea who was wobbling slightly as people pushed about them and her heels rivalled Blair's in inpracticality.

"Thanks."

"So let's cut to the chase. What's the favour you need?"

Typical Chuck. Always down to business.

"Oh right yes. We need you to be witnesses at the wedding. We thought about bribing hotel staff but when we met you we knew you were it!"

The idea of going to someone's wedding while on their honeymoon was so bizarre but somehow seemed appropriate, like it was fated somehow. Shit, she was turning into a complete sap. It was just honeymoon fever she was sure.

"Wow that's um wow."

Lea looked highly amused by Blair's sudden bout of inarticulateness.

"So that's a yes?"

Blair looked to Chuck for his opinion, there was only so many times she could rope him into things on one holiday so it was his decision. He seemed to understand her expression and gave her a half smirk of approval and she hugged him around the neck from the side in gratitude.

"That's a fuck yeah we'd love to."

"Awesome. Let's go!"

"Already? It took us like an hour to get in here and now we've finished our drinks we're going?"

Suddenly a familiar song began to surge through the speakers, upon acknowledging which one it was Blair's blood began to boil as if it was some sort of weird conditioning that made listening to it akin to foreplay. Her hips were already swaying before she realised it.

__

And maya, i'm here.  
The boys in the band,  
Decide to appear.  
We walk through the door  
Savour the air.  
The girls on the floor,  
I've come here to stare.  
We've come here to stare.

Chuck was gazing at her in faint surprise until he began to register their old favourite too. He nodded in cheerful remembrance. Earlobes and _soho dolls,_ it was a perfect night after all.

"Ah the memories B."

_Too right _Blair thought. That was the first time he'd ever got lucky with her. In a limo no less. It was kind of symbolic of the life they led or whatever but Blair was in no mood to analyse.

Both Ben and Leah looked justifiably confused at the change in topic.

"Memories?"

"This song-"

Blair groaned.

"Husband enough with the chit chat and more with the leading me to the dance floor."

He bowed slightly in mocking obedience but his grin was the widest Lea had ever seen yet. Lea wasn't used to being dismissed and ignored so easily as they left their company to dissappear into the throng of dancers. However she was too drunk to care, she was getting married!

"Ben do you want to jiggy?"

He slid his arms around her and she leaned back against him.

"Jiggy?"

"Yeah you know get your groove on, get down with the funk ectera ectera."

"You forgot 'boogie on down' and did I mention I love you right now? Like very serious, epic sort of love that makes me want to medicate myself from the stress of it all?"

She giggled huskily and pushed her body closer to him and was rewarded with a quiet groan.

"Me too Ben, don't worry once we're married and you're all rich in your own right we can buy up all the Xanex supplies. We'll be the most laid back parents ever."

"Oh my god kids, are you trying to induce cardiac arrest? Although how cool would it be if we sent them to work for Mr. Milligan to help at the chocolate shop, like some sort of legacy."

"That would be so cool except I don't know if he'll live - No I'm sure that would work. He's a tough cookie he'll survive anything especially after you've seen how much sugar he consumes daily. He has to be superhuman not to have died of diabetes or something by now."

Ben kissed her hair and made a noise of agreement. Mr Milligan or 'Teddy' to Lea, was her family, the grandfather she never had and the father figure she always deserved. If it wasn't for the fact that Mr. Milligan had no one to cover for him and was strapped for cash he would have been here with them.

"Wow look at Chuck and Blair go!"

They both turned to watch their friends bump and grind with the best of them. In fact they were outdoing all those around to the point that half the men were ogling Blair enviously and the girls were determined to ignore them while sneaking glances at her husband. If sex could be transferred into a dance that would have been it, it wasn't exactly shameless but rather lacking self-consciousness. They weren't showing off, they were simply so wrapped up in each other that appearances didn't matter.

"Chuck's a lucky man."

Lea nodded.

"So is Blair, the way he is looking at her would melt any other girl's panties off."

"You included?"

Lea scoffed.

"If I went for handsome, dark and brooding with a splash of self-absorbed ass then maybe."

Truly though she would have jumped his bones had she been single, ass or not. Speaking of ass..

"Are you okay?"

Lea turned around in his embrace and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Of course why?"

"You sort of stopped breathing."

"Oh. Must be the alcohol. Do you want to join them?"

"Nice try. Want a water?"

Lea sighed dramatically, conceding defeat. Going clubbing was basically to get to know Chuck and Blair rather than dancing. She knew Ben wasn't a dancer but she'd thought she'd try her luck. The times she had danced with him had her bent over, wracked with laughter. With that encouragement he refused to dance with her again until their wedding. That would come soon enough at least. She'd get to witness the determined squint and odd pount combined with a weird head bopping and knee jerking that was the Ben she loved 'getting his groove on'.

"Yeah, they may be awhile."

* * *

A while turned out to be an hour. Their song had finished but equally hormone-stirring beats had replaced it and Blair was too turned on and felt too desirable to give up her tiny spot in the sweltering atmosphere around her. Her heels were torturing her but she tried to ignore it, pain and pleasure combined was not an entirely unpleasant experience. She debated revealing that to Chuck because she knew he'd find a very useful way of carrying out that realisation, she could see whips and handcuffs in her future.

She'd keep that gem of information for their anniversary.

"B."

"Hm?"

"Shall we go?"

"Really?"

"Yep because by the way you keep wincing I think you need to get off your feet."

"Aw, I wasn't wincing."

"I'd like to pretend you weren't too but it's sort of distracting. We can re-enact this anytime but right now I think we need to rest your feet."

"Aren't we being thoughtful?"

"Always."

"Kiss me first then we'll go."

"Done and done."

He leaned in to kiss her but surprised her by wrapped his arms around her and dipping her down, dangerously close to a sweating man next to them but she didn't care. When his lips connected with hers it was so passionate that when he broke away she was speechless for a few moments while she caught her breath. He looked like the cheshire cat as drunken catcalls and whooping were heard around them.

"Mr. Bass you'll make me blush."

"Promise?" He whispered huskily in her ear.

She laughed as he pulled her back up gracefully but didn't let go of her, instead he entwined his hand with hers as they struggled to emerge from the sea of bodies.

"Chuck you're making all other male mortals in here look bad, are you trying to help me get hitched or dumped for an upgrade?"

Ben slapped Chuck on the back in amused admiration as they returned, some guys just walked in the light. Or thrived in the darkness in Chuck's case.

"Are you guys ready to leave?"

Blair looked at Chuck and Chuck smiled at Blair before she answered in agreement.

"We are more than ready. Let's bust outta this joint."

Chuck squeezed her hand and shook his head in enjoyment.

"When will you ever learn B?"

Blair stuck out her tongue.

"You forget husband that you married a goof as well as a perfect social darling."

Okay so the clown stayed hidden ninty nine percent of the time but they were on holiday after all and if she had to mix with Kelly and Josh why shouldn't she let loose a little? She could do goofy just as well as all the socially inept losers, so the fuck what?"

"Don't I know it. As long as you're _my_ clown I don't mind, it's sort of like thinking of the queen trying to crump. Makes me want to piss myself laughing."

Blair gave him a 'what the fuck' look to that weird nugget of insight. She wasn't sure what to make of it but the way held her close to him and played with her hair as they left told her that even the neglected clown was just as adorable to him as the cunning bitch.

* * *

**A/N: It's not the end of Kelly and Josh (more flashbacks to come) and more of the couples too. The song playing at the club is 'stripper' by Soho dolls in case you were wondering (it was on gossip girl when Blair was also dancing at the burlesque club). Also the whole broken nose thing comment in the beginning makes sense in the next chapter's flashback which I wanted to include in this chapter but a) haven't yet written and b) wanted to give you something before I don't get a change to write again.**


	4. Chapter 4

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

**A/N: This will the the last chapter for a while, I'm hideously behind with study and exams are looming. To those who want more C/B sex (and who wouldn't?) the chapters ahead pretty much revolve around it for a certain reason (scandal!) but this is the quiet before the storm.**

Thanks again to all my loyal reviewers :) You are awesome, I write firstly because I love it and secondly because I love you guys!

SoNotEmo: Thanks for telling me! I'll definitely try to be more clear in the future :)

This chapter is for my friend Drew who is a real life Josh with his obsessive love of 9 vanilla creams!

* * *

"Don't laugh but when we got engaged, Ben asked if now that meant he could get his nine vanilla creams for free! Sort of like a 'lovers benefit' I guess."

Blair rolled her eyes at her new friends confession.

"I can top it. The first time Chuck told me he loved me it took me by surprise, we hadn't been dating that long and despite everything I was still sceptical. I asked him how he knew he loved me and he said love was when you could screw some constantly and never be satisfied."

Lea giggled next to Blair despite herself.

"That_ is_ worse."

"I know, for one thing he got lust and love mixed up and secondly I slapped him for implying that I didn't get him off when believe me I did _that_ very well."

Lea nodded.

"But his heart was in the right place."

Blair shook her head at this, she had so much to learn.

"I don't think that particular organ had anything to do with it but he got better over time."

Ben staggered to sit by his fiancée, not because he was smashed (although he was reasonably tipsy) but because the sand was a little difficult to saunter across gracefully. Chuck did manage to pace over with a hand in his pocket in that nonchalant way that set Blair's heart racing. It was like rules didn't apply to him, which to be fair, they rarely did.

"What are you two gossiping about?"

Ben half hiccuped his question to which Lea half hiccuped back. They really were made for each other.

"The most unromantic moments of our lives."

"I'll best change the subject then! You ready to get hitched Lea?"

"Ready as I'll ever be Benny boy."

Blair thrust out a hand.

"Wait a minute, I know I'm the sober one but I feel way lost. What's happening?"

Lea smiled patiently as she pulled her in to hug her. Blair found it alien to be so affectionately touched after merely hours of acquaintance, it wasn't that she was uptight (Chuck had rid her of that years ago) it just wasn't what she was used to. The only friends she actually hugged sincerely were Serena and Nate.

"The whole marriage thing remember? I know you guys have busy lives but you can't have forgotten that quickly."

"Yeah but tomorrow right? As in when there's a dress and flowers and- and cake! Not right now at two in the morning on the beach!"

Lea shrugged her shoulders in response to her new friend's scandalized outburst.

"Why not? The whole eloping thing was only sort of an idea when we came here a few days ago for a quick getaway but then we met a lovely notary called Willie from Alabama who lives in a batch down the beach. He was drunk at the time but he promised to marry us whenever we wanted. It would be legally binding and it will only cost us a bottle of Tequila!"

Blair was dumbstruck. Here was a beautiful young woman who wanted to have the most important day of her life in the middle of the night, with nothing but a summer dress on and to be legally bound by a drunk notary named Willie. She wasn't in her right mind. How did she get stuck with these characters?

"As your witness I have to say what the fuck are you thinking? Wait a day or so and I'll scrape together a ceremony you can be proud to show photos of to your children."

Lea patted her leg reassuringly but Blair was still glaring at her like she had just confessed to worshipping second hand clothing.

"That's sweet Blair but really it's no big deal. I have on a cool dress, we've got our rings and I've got a digital camera in my clutch. I could have all the glitz and glamour and I still wouldn't be any happier than I am now. It's only a wedding, it's the stuff that comes after that's meaningful."

Chuck grinned.

"Lea you are quite a woman. If only my wife had been so low maintenance."

Blair kicked sand at him in indignation but he gave her a wink to show he was joking. They both knew Chuck would have a heart attack just the same as herself if this had been the way they wed. Still each to their own she guessed. She was going to be zen about it all because this was her _relaxing _honeymoon.

"Whatever it's your nightmare, I mean night. Just don't blame me when you're all bitter and hate Ben because he didn't shell out for something better."

"Where's your sense of romance? This is spontaneous and unmaterialistic!"

Chuck laughed.

"Yes dear where's your sense of romance?"

She rolled her eyes at both annoyances. Her sense of romance has a price minimum.

"Fine fine let's get a move on if we want to get this over with."

Lea frowned slightly. She wasn't used to Blair's sometimes caustic attitude quite yet.

"If you really have a problem with it I can find someone else and let you have your sleep. I know you don't know me well so I'd understand."

Blair sighed. Sure this would be the seventh circle of hell if it was her but there was no reason why she should ruin Lea's dillusional perception of romance.

"No way I want to meet Willie."

Blair's perfected fake smile and enthuasism emerged easily after years of high society life. It did the trick though, Lea was grinning obliviously.

"Great let's go!"

* * *

One hour later they were in front of Willie's shabby batch on the water. It was about the size of Chuck's master bedroom but it _did _have ocean views. Blair had taken off her heels after they left the beach when they had got lost twice and took no less than three detours in search of the liquor store. In Ben's inebriated state he was both completely confident in where he was going and also terribly incompetent with directions. Lea was no better and Blair felt ridiculous for letting them lead but she had never needed to go to the bottle store so she was clueless.

"Fuck this Ben, I like you man but no way am I following you down another creepy alleyway or supposed shortcut. I'll just give Willie some cash, enough to buy himself more than a few bottles of booze and he'll marry you weirdos. Even a drunkard appreciates a good deal."

Ben sighed.

"Five more minutes?"

Chuck narrowed his eyes at the male opposite him. He would never get back this hour of his life which he could have used to fuck or more neccessary - sleep.

"I'm not even giving you one, nor do I trust you know the way to the batch but luckily it's along a straight piece of beach and there's only one I've seen in our wanderings that looks shit enough to be it. Let's go."

From then on Chuck led the charge and they arrived at the batch in a matter of minutes.

"Willie?"

There was rock music playing lightly inside and through the glass door they could see the lights on and something cooking on the stove.

"Coming! Coming! Hold ya horses."

The giant of a man appeared at the door and gave them a huge grin.

"If it isn't my two little love birds. Come on in."

He looked down to see Blair and Chuck and ushered them in also. This really was a foreign place, never in New York would anyone wordlessly invite in complete strangers in the middle of the night. That was called a death wish.

"Is this a double wedding? I don't see no incentives." He peered not so subtly at all their hands, in such of a bottle or two.

Chuck reached into his wallet and placed several hundred dollar bills down on the cluttered dining room table with a bang. Being a witness was losing its appeal as the time wore on and Chuck found himself in an inhabitancy probably riddled with disease. Sure Chuck could be a slob and never lifted a finger to clean but he always made sure paid help kept his place spotless. It was a basic human right their current 'host' seemed unaware of.

"Is that sufficient?"

Willie put his glasses on and his eyes grew wide.

"That is mighty generous, I was only expecting to get inebriated, not buy a second home."

Chuck sincerely hoped he was joking, he didn't want to be in such close proximity to a mad man otherwise. It probably was just what Willie passed off as humour but being sleep deprived and having walked around the entire town in circles he was feeling overly suspicious and less than friendly. He was sure an eye twich was coming on.

Blair had never seen anyone so tall. Willie also happened to be pretty horizontally challenged which would have made him intimidating if he didn't remind her of santa claus on vacation. He had white hair in dissary and a messy beard. From the looks of his small living space and his baggy pants and shirt he didn't put much stock in appearances.

"Okay well do you guys want to stand over there by the pull out bed and I'll go get my documents. What are your names' cherubs?"

He glanced pointedly at Blair (or rather her cleavage) and Chuck looked like he wanted to cut the giant down to size so she quickly answered for the both of them.

"I'm Blair and this is my husband Chuck."

Chuck nodded his head but still looked disgusted, it was the best he could do for civility.

"Ah well nice to make your acquaintance, you obviously don't need to get wed."

Chuck scoffed.

"Not here we don't."

"What son?"

"Nothing _grandpa_."

Blair nudged her husband not so gently.

"Chuck shut up will you?"

He groaned in annoyance at her hissing but tried to make an effort, didn't time fly when you were trying to have fun?

"Hey Willie? Got any cigars lying around this sespit?"

Willie returned with a handful of paper and ducked through the doorway. He studied Chuck's rigid pose and laughed good-naturedly.

"Sure do, only the best! Where are my little Cuban buddies?"

He began rummaging around his countertops and Blair took the documents from him before he stained them any further with whatever substances were coating his tops.

"Hey Willie, why doesn't Chuck find your cigars and we get down to business?"

Willie put a meaty arm around Blair and patted her shoulder. Somewhere, deep deep deep down it made Blair a little happy. She had seen her father in years (he couldn't make the wedding) so having a kind santa figure act in a fatherly way struck a vague chord within her. Sure he was boob oogling initially but who could blame him? They _were_ fabulous. Besides, she hadn't felt threatened or objectified like she usually did.

"Anything for a pretty lady."

He gave her a smile so huge that Blair couldn't help but smile slightly at his cheesiness.

"Okay folks, let's begin shall we? Lea and Ben get your asses over here, give Blair your rings and Chuck you can just be content with doing nothing. Everyone clear?"

That was the was the first beneficial thing Chuck had heard since he'd arrived so he sat himself down at the table and lit a cigar while the 'ceremony' took place in the lounge which was about five steps away. He tried not to think about what he was getting on his ludriciously expensive trousers and instead focussed on inhaling his cigar. Whatever Willie's faults, he wasn't lying about the quality of those babies.

Blair stood awkwardly beside Lea as she listened to her recite her vowels and she gave the rings when asked. They were both teary eyed and grinning like idiots but it still gave Blair a swelling feeling of hope to see love conquering all, even if it was somewhere surely considered a biohazard. She kept glancing over at Chuck who was leaning back in the chair looking serenely up at her through his eyelashes. There was a cloud of smoke around him which Blair happened to love the smell of and his small smile made her feel giddy. It blew her mind to think only a day ago she was getting married to Chuck, it felt like nothing and yet everything had changed since then.

All their friends already called them a married couple when they were dating because of the way they bickered relentlessly and knew each other backwards and forwards. It used to annoy her how Serena and Dan would be in each other laps looking smugly down at them, Dan was the worst, he would gaze at them with pitying amusement. Blair was sure he felt sorry for her, or probably for Chuck for ending up with each other, confident in the knowledge they wouldn't last. Blair didn't hate Dan but she wanted to punch him out when he saw that expression. He didn't know about relationships other than how to be a whiny, neurotic girl. How Serena put up with him she couldn't fathom. But she didn't hate him, of course not. He was just a dick sometimes.

"Come here."

Chuck raised an eyebrow as Blair hissed orders at him, she hadn't meant for it to come out so rudely but whispering charismatically over the high pitched love confessions coming from beside her wasn't easy. Like a well behaved husband he did as he was told. More out of curiousity than obedience.

"Did you want to steal my cigar? Because as much as I love you, you'd have to pry it from my cold, lifeless fingers."

Blair smiled as she took his free hand in hers.

"I can just hook up with you later, I prefer the taste of them that way."

"Huh, I'll remember that."

Sooner than expected, Lea and Ben were husband and wife. Or at least Chuck hoped so, who could really rely on a shipshod practice like Willie's? There was no romantic music or anything especially grand to signify the change in their lives but they were both practically glowing with joy anyway.

Blair and Chuck clapped appropriately and part of the after-service apparently included Willie lining up empty shot glasses and pouring tequila into them expertly in a row. A man of many talents it seemed.

"Okay kids, down the hatch!"

Blair felt her stomach swirl just at the sight of it.

"Not for me big guy I'll stick with water."

Lea and Ben stared at her expectantly and when they realised she was serious they sighed.

"Come on B, it's one shot and we'll walk it off along the beach."

Willie nodded supportively at Josh's attempt at persuasion.

"In many countries it's an insult to refuse hospitality. I was in Cambodia last year and became a social pariah in the little town I was in because it got around I hadn't taken my shoes off and rejected a weird looking dish of one my hosts. Made for a chilly two months I can tell ya."

Blair groaned, she was certainly no social pariah but she didn't want to be a prude either.

"Fine but just one."

One turned into three, or at least three poured for her. Chuck sneakily drunk hers and his own. Apparently the endless supply of cigars and alcohol had made him much more receptive to Willie's charms. In fact they were all sprawled around the little table exchanging stories. Chuck nostalgically reminisced about bedding the twin daughters of the mayor of Verona when he was fifteen. They were both supermodels in Milan now. Willie laughed about chasing a thief for seven blocks after his wallet was stolen on the London underground. Willie didn't look the type to run at all let alone pursue a criminal but the way he told it even made Chuck smile appreciatively.

She had to admit that it felt good. It was crazy how easy making friends could be when she wasn't trying to outshine anyone or make herself 'known.' It was truly nice to wander out of her comfort zone and mix with the mere mortals for once. She wasn't scrutinising her meals next to vapid stick insects or trying to out do some society slut with her sordid adventures. She just was, content to listen to the lives of others and even Chuck was being likable for once. He tended to prefer intimidating the crap out of people he didn't know well but here he was smiling like a chesire cat about Italian threesomes and slapping Willie on the back when he almost choked on his own liquor. It was a temporary sort of oasis before returning to the hierarchy and emotional mind fields of their normal lives.

Finally, Lea decided it was time to make a move:

"Well we shouldn't keep you all night. Thank you so much for everything Willie."

Willie tipped an imaginary hat to the beaming couple as Blair and Chuck also rose to leave.

"Good luck with everything all of you, you're welcome back any time you like. Especially you Chuck, I want to hear more about your other escapades. It's like consorting with Hugh Hefner!"

Blair pursued her lips but Chuck only laughed.

"As much as I'd love to take a walk down memory lane about my sexual exploits on my honeymoon I think it's some sort of cardinal sin of marriage."

Blair kissed him smugly on the lips, he was the perfect gentleman and husband.

Blair walked the staggering Ben and giggling Lea out the door but Chuck stayed behind for a moment.

"Of course, I'll be surfing relatively close to you tomorrow morning, if you happen to be around I can't help but be polite and indulge your requests now can I?"

Willie gave him an over exaggerated wink.

"Mister, I'd worry what your poor wife had got herself involved with if I hadn't met her. I'll see you around then."

He walked Chuck out to the rotting porch and waved them all away. They sauntered down the beach aimlessly, no one felt in the mood to sleep when it was such a beautiful night. There were several other drunks with the same idea, in the lightening sky Blair could make out several black silhouettes further down weaving around in an attempt at progress.

"Chuck?"

"Hm?"

He had his wife crushed to him in an iron grip around her waist, it was a little uncomfortable but he was intoxicated and she didn't want to lose his touch so she stayed quiet.

"What will we be like in a decade or so?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Nope, simple as can be."

"Then I'm going to predict we'll be alive, in NY with no obvious health issues."

The typical diplomat.

"Will we have kids?"

"If that's what you want."

"What do _you_ want?"

"To keep you happy and therefore keep the peace. I wouldn't mind a Chuck Jr. and heir to the kingdom but if it means you'll resent me forever for destroying your figure than I'd rather pass."

"I'm not that petty! Besides if Kate Moss and Liv Tyler can be moms and have washboard abs than so can I. I'm being serious, do you want to be a dad?"

Chuck was too drunk to consider it properly, maybe that's why she asked now. He didn't have the facilities to be evasive.

"I want to be a dad but I guess if I turn into my dad than I'd rather be childless. I'm not the conventional person you know? I can't say what I feel to just anyone, I'm a selfish prick and I hate responsibility. I see myself as Bart already."

Blair squeezed his arm, he was looking bitterly out into the sea. Perhaps this wasn't the best topic.

"You're not though. Okay yes you are selfish and have issues but our child isn't going to be normal anyway. What child grows up as part of a family dynasty? A Bass is going to have a completely new set of problems that others don't and who better to guide him than someone whose gone through it all? Besides, you have me to help. I'll even let you be good cop and have him complain to you about what a Nazi their mother is."

Chuck's face brightened.

"I do like being adored. Anyway, unless you're planning on starting our legacy right away can we stick with the present?"

"Sure. Maybe you should go help Josh."

Chuck sighed dramatically as he witnessed his friend puking into a bush ahead of them. Lea was spinning dangerously on the spot humming 'here comes the bride'. This should be her job! Chuck approached Josh as slowly as possible, hoping to catch him at the end of his gut-spilling. He was fed up with cleaning up, he had to be nice to Blair about it because she was his wife but he wasn't going to take pity on practical strangers.

"Dude are you finished?"

Ben held up a shaky thumbs up but he was still bent over and didn't trust himself to sleep. While Blair and Chuck had been watching Ben in disgusted amusement, Lea had skipped further up the beach into a group of dark figures ahead.

That's when they heard her scream.

* * *

A/N: Cliffhanger! What do you guys think? Not much happened but they are on their honeymoon.


	5. Chapter 5

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

**A/N: I still have exams so this is a procrastination chapter for you! It has a sex scene but because I'm a bit of a prude in real life I cringe at how bad it is. Apologies if it sucks, I just can't put my dirty mind on paper that well hehe.**

_Thanks a million to my lovely reviewers. Keep up the feedback because I love hearing your thoughts and ideas :)_

* * *

That scream.

It almost froze the blood in Blair's veins. Lea appeared to be on the sand fighting off a guy while his mates huddled around. Both Blair and Chuck began to sprint unevenly towards her. Ben couldn't have been far behind them because Chuck could hear him swearing and groaning. Poor guy, one minute he's puking his guts out the next his new wife is being molested.

"Blair get back!"

They were nearing the group and luckily the thugs were so engrossed in watching their friend attack Lea that they didn't even notice. Chuck was eyeing Blair so intensely she actually slowed her pace but didn't obey his order.

"No way! You can't take them by yourself!"

Chuck had had boxing and fencing lessons when he was young. Sure he wasn't experienced in street fighting or even beach fighting for that matter but he knew the basics of ducking and throwing punches. He also seemed a lot more sober than the perverts just before him. He was suddenly grateful for the amazing alcohol tolerance he had earned.

"B if you try and get involved so help me-"

"Okay _okay_."

She didn't like the idea of standing around while Chuck played hero but the bigger the opposition became in her vision the quicker her bravery turned to fear. They could hear Lea whimpering and breathing hard as she struggled against a blonde-haired man pinning her down. Chuck took the advantage of surprise and launched down on him, knocking him off of her. He quickly pulled the startled Lea up and thrust her roughly into Blair who dragged her back out of the fray and guided her behind her so she could be a shield. Blair being selfless? She could picture her society rivals' face shrivel up in disbelief. Lea was shaking slightly against her and it rose Blair's ire to a point that she wanted to slap all of the drunken louts silly.

Ben then appeared and rammed into a few of the guys watching Chuck scuffle causing them to topple over with himself. His fists went flying and Lea was crying even more at the scene.

"It's okay Lea these _assholes_ are going to so badly beaten they wont be recognisable for a _very_ long time."

She heard Chuck groan as the blonde-haired guy slugged him in the stomach and her own contorted with dread but Chuck head butted him back and kicked him in the chest. The blonde guy was now standing and turned to Blair as if it was all her fault. She knew he meant to go for Lea but being in front of her also put her in the firing line. Chuck would have jumped in but one of the blonde's buddies was attempting to get him in a headlock. The blonde pulled back his fist to hit Blair but her instincts made her duck and she rammed one of her heels that she was holding down as hard as she could into his foot. She hoped she broke a few toes since he was only wearing jandals. Blondie stumbled forward in pain, his first struck out at Lea anyway as his arms flailed in front of him. Blair heard a sickening crunch coming from the wrong person as the blonde fell back into his friend in surprise. It put him right back into the fight where he belonged, only now he was limping.

"Lea!"

Blood was gushing from Lea's nose as her eyes began to tear.

"Ouch!"

Blair ripped off her cardigan and pushed it up gently against Lea's nose to stem the bleeding. She didn't dare squeeze. Lea grabbed her hand and crushed it in between her own as a way to distract from her pain. She didn't say much else though, she just stood rigidly watching the fight and crying, probably now in pain.

Then the saving wail of sirens could be heard and flashing lights appeared on the road just up on their left. The drunken idiots immediately dispersed but the blonde-haired guy was too busy coughing up blood as Ben had joined in in making him suffer. Between Chuck and Ben they both had _him _pinned down so the police could get him. Considering they were both fairly drunk they had been surprisingly agile and successful. They both had the making of a black eye and Ben had a split lip. He spat a mixture of saliva and blood on to the half-conscious man underneath him. Ben wanted to say something threatening and nasty also but he was too shocked and angry to even speak. He looked intensely at Chuck in a silent thanks to which Chuck only nodded.

The police came running down the dune to them and Chuck began to explain what had happened as they hauled up the slurring attacker to escort him to the car.

"B I'm going to go up with the police for a minute to sort things out."

Blair touched his shoulder in acknowledgement and pride. It was terrifying watching him get hurt but it was also insanely hot watching him go_ Rambo_ on a very deserving piece of scum.

"Are you okay?"

Chuck smiled weakly at her before following the police. Lea was enveloped in Ben's arms as Blair turned to them to assess the situation.

"Ben you should get Lea to the hospital. I think she has a broken nose.

Ben peered down worriedly for his wife's answer. She had composed herself and just looked a bit pale. Her eyes must have shown her assent because he gripped her tightly and motioned for them to move up to the road.

"Are _you_ okay Ben?"

Ben smiled bitterly.

"I feel a bit better for making that _ass_ bleed but otherwise not really. How are you doing love? Did he-?"

Lea finally took the cardigan away as the bleeding had lessened.

"He didn't do anything other than collapse on me and try to- but he didn't get near to it. It was just scary but I'm fine now. Other than the nose of course."

She even managed a slightly amused smile, for Ben's sake no doubt, he struck Blair as the more anxiety-prone of the two. She was amazing! Blair was truly impressed at her handling of it all. Ben looked visibly relieved and didn't notice her wince in pain.

Blair joined Chuck by the police as they finished their conversation. He slipped the one of the cops a few bills and slapped him on the back as they left.

"What was that about?"

Chuck heaved a sigh of relief at her presence, obviously glad no one had decided to screw with his own wife while he had been gone.

"They just said they have enough witnesses that they can press charges without needing anything from Lea. She's been through enough."

Blair rubbed his swollen knuckles gently.

"Good but what was with the sneaky payment?"

Chuck gave her a slight mile of satisfaction.

"I gave it to them as an encouraging gesture."

Blair raised a sly eyebrow.

"To do what?"

"Make that guy's stay in jail tonight as 'uncomfortable' as possible. No one mars _this_ face and comes out of it without at least getting a few broken limbs."

"And they said they'd do it?"

"Not in so many words but yes. They do stand to uphold justice don't they? It's only fair."

Blair beamed, never had the sound of potential brutality and bloodshed sounded so appealing.

"You really are amazing."

He looked down at her with a mixture of smugness and affection.

"I always am. You were pretty quick with the infliction of pain too. Who knew those heels could cause agony to someone other than you for a change."

Blair laughed.

"I know, it's rather poetic."

"How's Lea doing?"

"She's a trooper. I'd be traumatised."

Ben jogged over to them, unsurprisingly sobered.

"We've managed to hail a taxi, we are going to go to the hospital now."

Blair nodded. Lea was sitting on a bench opposite the awaiting vehicle, she managed a small wave.

"Do you want us to come?"

"No it's okay. You guys have done more than enough for us both, we are so grateful. We'd like to thank you maybe with lunch tomorrow?"

"Are you sure you are up to it? I mean you've both been through a lot."

Ben smiled proudly.

"You don't know Lea."

Blair laughed and gave him a sincere look.

"I'm starting to really want to."

"She'll be glad to hear it, she's already told me she considers you both family. I do too. You're never getting rid of us now."

Chuck and Ben shook swollen hands lightly. Blair knew if this hadn't bonded them, nothing would.

"Well you know we are in the honeymoon suite so just give us a call later today."

Ben agreed with Chuck that he would before running back to the awaiting cab, distinctly out of breath.

"Who said our first day of marriage was so bad? I thought hugging a toilet bowl was harsh but I take it back. We had paradise compared to those two."

Chuck nodded as he clasped her hand.

"Puts shit in perspective I guess. Shall we go back?"

Blair began walking beside him.

"I can't think of anything else than can top that so yes please. My frazzled nerves need a rest."

"I think we should pay for Ben and Lea to have one of the luxury rooms in our hotel. They are in a shitty hostel and the least we could do is give a recently disfigured bride a bit of comfort."

Blair nuzzled into his side.

"Who knew under your hardened, well toned exterior lay a heart of gold?"

"It beats only for you my sweet."

He completed his cheesy voice by snaking an arm around her back and dipping her to kiss her in a 'movie moment' type scene that made her insides melt.

Blair giggled as he pulled her up.

"Okay _now _the night is complete. Let's get a taxi back."

* * *

__

Present

Chuck pushed up Blair's silk nightie as she ran her hands through his hair. Every push of it up her skin he lay a trail of kisses until he had it up around her neck exposing her hardened breasts. He blew warm air across them and leaned down to run his tongue around her nipples while he single handedly lifted the thin piece of clothing up and away from her lifted up arms. His other hand was gently massaging her clit. She spread her legs wider in automatic response. He was careful with her considering they had already had a rather vigorous beginning that had brought her to her first orgasm of the morning. It was the sort of start they had planned to have their first day of matrimony but they were definitely making up for it on their second.

Blair couldn't help crying out softly as he dove his tongue back into her mouth and his fingers thrust inside of her. She wrapped her arms and legs tightly around him. Helpfully, he was already naked. He had slept that way once they had returned when they realised they had forgotten to keep the air-con on in their room before they left. Blair had opted for the nightie out of simple habit. Besides the way the silk had slid across her breasts a minute ago had made the stickiness worth it.

She could feel Chuck's hardness against her thigh as she let it fall from around his waist. She reached down to stroke him but he restrained her by pinning both her hands up above her head with the free hand that had been massaging one of her breasts.

"No fair!"

"I'm in charge this time. I'd hardly be complaining if I were you."

She couldn't really argue but she so wanted to feel him pulsating in her grasp. She needed him to moan in pleasure instead of only hearing her own panting and noises of pleasure.

"But you-"

"No more talking, I'm having too much fun for you to be whining in my ear."

Blair let out a huff of indignation and felt slightly better, at least she wasn't such a quivering mess she couldn't make some form of protest, although she was pretty close. It was a weird desire to have some sort of control that she felt she needed. Sure she was naked and restrained underneath him but she wasn't completely vulnerable.

Then he had to go and hike up one of her legs so it was resting over his shoulder and without warning entered her with a satisfied groan. She almost screamed out but she smiled at finally hearing him have some sort of reaction.

She wished she could act like he wasn't the best sex she'd ever had, in the beginning of their relationship she used to try and look bored so she'd didn't feel completely emotionally exposed but her wetness always undermined her. He'd only be amused at her act and would rub himself against her, flaunting his own arousal. It was okay for him, he hadn't associated sex with intimacy at the time. She had much earlier, and even now she tried vainly to find even ground. It was a defensive habit that only heightened Chuck's determination.

"Let my hands go."

She was desperate to touch him, it was odd how overwhelming it was, like she might cry if she couldn't at least hold him to her. He slowed his thrusting and grunting for a moment to scrutinise her.

"Are you going to try and have your own way?"

She tried to catch her breath to answer but his fingers and other active parts of his anatomy weren't helping.

"No."

He released her without another word, either because he wanted her arms around him too or because it was too much effort to keep his hand so forcefully over her wrists. Blair liked to think it was a bit of both. In the position they were in she couldn't comfortably embrace him so she settled with touching his chest as she met his thrusts and relaxed into the bed.

Chuck speeded up as he rammed into her over and over, the bed stood firm but the mattress was shifting forward and back on top of it. Blair could feel her climax building to such a height that she grabbed the side of the bed for support.

Blair was hardly a religious person, she only used religion when it suited her so she always found it amusing when she called out 'oh God' repeatedly when she came. 'Chuck' usually came breathed out between them, a weird sort of paradox calling for god and the devil all at once. She might have felt a little bad about using the Lord's name in vain if she were a more pies woman but who really gave a shit? If God did exist he was getting the best free show his voyeuristic needs could afford him.

When Chuck came it usually consisted of him swearing under his breath and panting heavily. He would usually then nuzzle into her neck and flatten his sweaty body on top of her while he caught his breath. Today was no exception and he jerkily slowed to a stop as he managed to control his gasping.

"That was-"

Blair tried to reign in her thoughts to form the rest of her sentence but Chuck helpfully finished for her.

"Phenomenal?"

Blair nodded gratefully. Chuck pulled out of her and got off the bed. Apparently there would be no snuggling.

"Where are you going?"

"I said I'd go surfing with Josh at eleven remember?"

Blair sighed dramatically.

"Oh yeah."

"You can't be mad considering the only reason I know him is through you."

Chuck had promised to go with Josh today as a sort of compensation for ditching them after the restaurant.

"Yeah yeah I'm a terrible person but you aren't that pissed now you have a surfing buddy. If you were you'd have no qualms standing him up."

"True, I'd be even more reconciled if you came too."

"Me and surfing isn't going to happen."

Mainly because Blair didn't want to make a fool of herself crashing in the waves and flopping about on the surfboard attempting the sport. She'd rather relax on the beach in a dignified manner that suited a Bass.

"Whatever, you are such a stubborn-"

"- _But _I'll come with you to the beach to cheer you on and get a tan. It's the best I can do!"

Chuck rolled his eyes at her pleased smile, as if this wasn't what she was going to do today anyway. He knew her to well not to see through her bullshit manipulation but he couldn't help but love it. Love her.

"What you have to sacrifice for love."

Blair threw a pillow at her smartass husband's bare ass as he walked to the bathroom.

Who knew a day that had started out so perfectly, could end so badly?

A/N: The sex! More sex to come! I hate writing it but I love reading it so I'm trying to find a balance lol. That sex is going to come back to bite B & C in the ass (no pun intended). You'll have to wait and see how. Feel free to speculate!


	6. Chapter 6

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

**A/N: This is fairly small but the next chapter will be bigger. Then it's only about 2 more chapters and it's done! **

_Please read, review, rant, whatever you like!_

Getting dressed could often be a difficult process for Blair Waldorf. Most females took forever because they had nothing decent to wear so spent the rest of the time making up for it with excessive make up and accessories. If you're Kate Moss than you're sure to look stunning but Blair always thought if you didn't have the basics done properly anything else you try to add just made you look tacky. Blair was a master at the basics but it also meant she had more clothes than she could do justice to in two lifetimes so it took time to pick out the perfect combination specific to the occasion. The ocassion presently was the beach. It meant most expensive labels (90 of her wardrobe) were out of the question. No way was anything by _Valentino_ or _Versace_ touching worn out beach towels and it would be a crime to mix C_hanel_ with sand, sea and sticky ice cream. Blair was sure she was going to pop a blood vessel with the amount of concentration she was using to stare at her mountain of garments.

Chuck hummed 'you're so vain' under his breath while he watched her change and re-change. She shot him a scathing look at his attempt at humor, he should have known in a fashion crisis that she needed his support!

"Stop humming!"

"I have to entertain myself somehow."

"Says the man with every electronic device to come out of Tokyo at hand. Get a new tune."

"If I don't will you suffocate me under that pile of crap?"

The sparkle in his eye told her he knew perfectly well that he was pushing her buttons but she couldn't help but gasp.

"Crap? My clothes are not crap! Besides, they are too good to use as a murder weapon. You deserve an old tweed jacket shoved into your mouth instead. No wait! You deserve to be buried in Wal-Mart and have all your clothing distributed to ignorant bums. Yes!"

Blair was smiling from ear to ear at the prospect and feeling of satisfaction, Chuck couldn't help but laugh. Some of the shit that came out of her mouth was fairly vile but if it cheered her up, who was he to curb her homocidial tendencies? In a much better mood, she chose her ensemble.

Blair opted for a strappy white top over her burgundy bikini and a denim mini skirt. She refused to wear flip flops and her wedges were too nice for the beach so she went barefoot, the beach was only about five steps from their private patio anyway. After having her feet so battered the night before in heels, she wanted them to breath.

"Ready lover!"

Chuck had been ready about fifteen minutes before her and clapped sarcastically at her attempt at haste. He strolled over to her to put on her huge black Gucci sunglasses and large brimmed hat.

"_Now_ you're ready."

Chuck was wearing dark blue board shorts, leaving his toned upper half delightfully bare. In typical Chuck absurdity he was also wearing a backwards baseball cap, aviators and bright red sandals. At least he didn't bring the scarf, sometimes you had to be thankful for the small things.

Josh had apparently spotted them from far off as by the time they got to the beach he had jogged over to them and was panting.

"Hey-"

He bent over to try and gain composure.

"-guys."

Chuck smirked.

"Do I need to call a medic? It's not an allergic reaction is it?"

Josh missed the sarcasm completely, it was almost endearing.

"No I'm good but thanks anyway."

Chuck patted Josh's lower back in a patronising way that had Blair giggling behind her hand.

"So shall we get going?"

Josh led them over to his towel and Blair was dismayed to find Kelly reclining on another. She had forgotten the she-demon had been part of the deal which was feeling more and more like a pact with the devil.

"Blair darling!"

Her bleach blonde hair practically reflected the sun into Blair's eyes. She was clad in a black one piece and sarong and looking reasonably well put together. Damn her.

"Hi Kelly."

Somehow peace and quiet to listen to her music seemed a distant dream now.

"How was your night after you unceremoniously dumped us for a younger couple?"

Blair placed her towel next to Josh's so there was at least some distance between them.

"Eventful."

Kelly was laughing as if she hadn't been insulted or wasn't upset and Blair guessed was trying to win her over with self-depreciation. It didn't work. Blair knew the Kelly's of the world like the back of her manicured hand, she dealt with ones much worse back home. Kelly wasn't much to contend with, merely annoying to tolerate.

"Wonderful. Why don't you say a few words?"

Kelly pulled a sleek silver video camera out of her purse. That did catch Blair off guard but she waved playfully in it's direction seamlessly.

"What to say? What's hip nowdays? Save the rainforest, conserve energy, embrace sushi parties, read T_he Art of War_."

Blair grinned at her pretentiousness, if she was going to fake it, why not go the whole way?

Kelly whistled loudly.

"_You've_ read the art of war Blair?"

Blair resented her implying that she was too shallow or ditzy to do so. Okay, so she had browsed about three pages of Chuck's copy and fell asleep but it was the thought that counted! Military philosophy just didn't do it for her.

"Of course, you'd be surprised the enemies you can make. It helps to know how to approach your fights Kelly."

Kelly nodded, pretending to be impressed. Blair may not have read it but she was smart enough to conclude neither had Kelly.

"Aren't we being a bit dramatic?"

Blair laughed hollowly.

"When you deal with the constant drama I do, _being_ dramatic is perfectly normal."

Kelly finally clicked off the camera.

"You really are so fascinating Mrs. Bass."

"I guess I should say thank you."

Blair looked out to try and see Chuck but there were a lot of surfers and it was hard to spot him, she was so distracted by her search she didn't hear Kelly's comment.

"Sorry?"

"You don't like me do you Blair?"

Blair shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know you."

That was honest enough. She didn't know her but it didn't stop her knowing people just like her. It didn't stop her hating her obvious faults.

"That didn't really answer the question did it?"

"I guess not."

Blair wanted to pat herself on the back at the sight of Kelly's pursed lips. Getting information out of Blair could be like getting blood out of a stone.

"So what are your plans for today?"

"Do you really care?"

"You'd be surprised."

Blair sighed, she was sick of mind games. This was her holiday! She was going to quit the evasive manoeuvres and cryptic talk. What did she care what Kelly thought? She'd never see her again after today.

"Whatever."

"Aren't we obliging?"

Blair groaned, didn't she know sarcasm was the lowest form of wit? Except when Blair used it of course, she made it sexy.

"If you know I don't like you why do bother with this routine? If it's to try and bed my husband you're wasting your time, if you were twenty years younger I might be mildly concerned but you're _definitely_ not. If it's to try and advance your career then I'd save your breath, Chuck is notoriously picky and ruthless in matters of business and you wouldn't cut it. So what's your game Harmond?"

Kelly sighed happily.

"At least we get down to it. Wasn't it tiresome being fake? I certainly think so."

"Uh huh, do you just love to hear yourself talk or do you have a point?"

"I want money."

Blair rolled her eyes.

"How original."

Kelly shrugged her shoulders casually, as if it wasn't totally pathetic and shameful to be asking for cash from someone who didn't even like her.

"I have a proposition for you."

Blair smiled patronisingly.

"Sorry I don't do girl-on-girl."

Kelly glared.

"You really are precious. Why a gorgeous man like Chuck puts up with a foul-mouthed, spoilt brat like you I'll never know."

"Why a nice guy like Josh puts up with a nasty old control freak like _you_ I'll never know. Different tastes I guess."

Kelly smiled, the sort of predatory smile that made Blair want to commit physical violence.

"So are you going to hear me out or are we going to continue with the mud slinging?"

"Mud slinging sounds good to me."

"Be reasonable."

Blair paused, a proposition was intriguing. She would hear Kelly out then slam her down. Awesome.

"Fine Kelly what is it?"

"I'll tell you, but you'll have to come to my suite first."

Blair wondered if the proposition actually _was_ girl-on-girl.

"Fine. You have five minutes."

A/N: I know more suspense but the next bit will be up in a few days so you don't have to wait long. Some of you guessed what it the 'secret' was or were pretty close so it's nothing spectacularly mysterious.


	7. Chapter 7

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Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky.

**A/N: This is quite long so it should keep you going for a while!**

R&R please and thank you :)

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_Ten_ minutes later and Blair was caught up in a mixture of shock and anger. Kelly's predatory smile was fixed firmly in place.

"Did Josh know?"

Kelly laughed shrilly.

"Josh couldn't scheme his way out of a paper bag, that's why I love him but someone has to keep us afloat."

Blair shook her head in confusion.

"But you're in finance."

Kelly rolled her eyes.

"I'm a bank teller in our hick town. I'm made for more than that."

"You're a bitch."

"So are you. Surely you can appreciate my resourcefulness. From one heartless bitch to another."

That was true, Blair had been known to do this sort of thing in the past but it was only the means to an end of someone who deserved it.

She closed her eyes in disbelief, unable to watch the television screen any longer. Luckily she only got the highlights or she might have actually combusted in outrage.

"Turn it off."

Kelly licked her lips.

"But we're just getting to the good bit. Your husband certainly is in prime physical fitness."

_Eugh. She was a total pervert as well as a ruthless slut. Josh sure knows how to pick them.  
_  
"Show me anymore and I will rip every tacky fake nail off and put my own _real_ ones to good use in your eyeballs."

Kelly laughed harder.

"You really are vicious. That's why I feel no remorse in doing this."

"Remorse requires a soul."

"Anyway, I suggest you talk my proposition over with your husband. Shall we go back to the beach now?"

Blair smiled tightly.

"You know what Kelly? You can go fuck yourself. If I see you within five feet of me until I've made a decision you wont get a cent, consequences be damned."

Kelly shrugged.

"Your choice, you can just say to Josh I felt sick and came back here."

"It's not a lie, you are sick. A sick cu-"

Before Blair could finish, Josh burst through the door, turning off the television at Blair's request had been a smart move for Kelly in more ways than one.

"There you are! I was worried."

Kelly sighed.

"I was gone a few minutes, I'm fine darling."

Josh grinned and stroked his hand down her side.

"I'm glad, are you and Blair having a nice chat?"

Kelly nodded.

"Something like that."

Blair stood up rigidly, she felt cold. Her protective armour had been dismantled when she arrived in Hawaii, she wasn't anticipating constant sabotage on her honeymoon after all. She wanted to let her hair down, now she had let herself be sideswiped by a wannabe. It was insufferable.

"Where's Chuck?"

Josh rolled his eyes playfully and made the 'getting a beer' gesture. For a start, Chuck didn't drink beer and secondly Josh had no right to patronise her husband when he barely knew him. That was Chuck's forte. Blair didn't care how harmlessly it was meant, she was pissed and Josh was going to get it in the neck for being married to the anti-christ.

"Don't you dare ever think you have the right to tease Chuck. My husband earns in a day what you earn in a year and that includes Kelly's hooking."

Kelly gasped in indignation and Josh's mouth formed an o at her fiery temper. If they thought this was her in top form they were sadly deluded. She was only getting started, retribution would be swift and severe once Blair figured out all the angles.

"I beg your pardon-"

Blair brushed past Kelly, making sure to elbow her and glared at Josh.

"Good luck with your perverted whore of a wife Josh, you'll need it."

She slammed the door as hard as she could behind her and had the immature impulse to stamp her foot.

A sex tape! For fuck sake! It was so _Paris Hilton_ it wasn't even funny. Sure, certain activities had been filmed between her and Chuck before but that was consented to and never left the master safe at home.

Now there was high definition quality images of them making love with wild abandon. The idea of a weirdo like Kelly salivating over that was disgusting.

There was no use lamenting it now, it was done.

The question was what her next move would be. Did she tell Chuck? He'd probably have them both killed and make it look like an accident but it was hardly what honeymoon memories were made of. They had struck first but they'd regret it. That was her only certainty.

"Blair, there you are."

She was so busy plotting she hadn't realised her feet had carried her to the bar where Chuck was drinking a cocktail. It was barely noon but at least it wasn't beer.

"Oh hi."

Chuck laughed huskily.

"Oh hi? I'm an afterthought in your life already? No wonder I'm practically an alcoholic."

He took a long sip for good measure and ordered her a martini. Blair smiled gratefully but by the way Chuck's face fell she could tell he'd noticed her tension.

"What did Kelly do this time?"

_She taped us while having sex and is now blackmailing us. I'll have two olives please sweetheart._

Yeah, no.

"Just the usual. Glad we are rid of them."

She sat down next to her husband and put a hand on his knee and he leaned forward to push a curl behind her ear. Those kind of absent-minded gestures of love used to baffle Serena who couldn't believe Chuck did anything without conscious motive or selfish reason. Now it was so natural that he didn't even notice he'd turned into putty in her hands. Sexy putty. Blair wanted to slap herself, one little mishap like severe invasion of privacy and extortion and she was going insane over Chuck-putty. The martini couldn't have come soon enough.

"Josh wasn't_ that_ bad."

How funny that now Chuck was defending Josh to her. Okay so he probably was an innocent victim of his wife's manipulations but she could at least dislike him for being a terrible judge of character.

"I guess."

Maybe this was karma, she was the one that had associated them with Josh for spiteful reasons and now she was being screwed over by his wife. If she hadn't needed to get one over on her husband they wouldn't be in this mess.

"Seriously Blair what's up? Your head is somewhere else."

Why did he have to be so damn observant? She was about to confess everything when Chuck swore under his breath.

"Shit, we are late for lunch with Lea and Ben. Gulp down your drink and we'll go."

Blair nodded and mechanically did as she was told and followed slightly behind him as they left. She hated feeling so overwhelmed, there were several ideas and anxieties whizzing around her mind but she was too busy trying to walk and talk to hold any of them down to scrutinize.

"I love you."

Chuck turned to her as they strolled down the street and instead of looking even mildly gratified at her sudden outburst he looked almost..disturbed.

"Ok what the fuck is going on B?"

"Huh?"

They had both stopped in the street with Chuck unusually staring her down.

"Have you cheated on me?"

"Of course not! Have you hit your head or something?"

"Then what are you hiding? The only reason you confess you love me out of the blue is if you're taking a stroll down memory lane or you've got something to be guilty about, since you look like someone stole your wardrobe I'm thinking it's the latter."

"Calm down Dr. Phil."

Chuck rolled his eyes and grabbed her hand to keep them walking. He groaned in defeat when he realised she wasn't going to elaborate.

"Now is not the time to be patronising or take a break in the street, we're meeting Lea and Ben so hurry your ass up."

Blair let out a squeak of indignation but did as she was told, she was too conflicted to argue. Since when did Chuck act so fucking serious? She definitely didn't want to tell him now, he'd be beyond ballistic.

"Hey guys!"

Thankfully they reached the chic seaside café and saw Lea, Ben and Willie who had apparently tagged along. Lea was in shorts and a yellow t-shirt but she had a adhesive strip on her nose which looked swollen. She bounded up to them and enveloped Blair and Chuck in a hug that rammed them into each other sideways and popped every personal space bubble.

"Wow Lea you're perky."

Chuck smirked coldly and pierced her with a sideways glance.

"Unlike _some_ people."

Blair chose to ignore him, she didn't do perky unless she was shot up with a lot of caffeine.

"Yeah I'm on a variety of painkillers that are amazing, I can understand why bored housewives get addicted to them, they are my new best friends. After you guys of course!"

She really was beaming, most women Blair knew who were prescription junkies tended to opt for sedatives and were either half asleep at parties or drooling into their tea at brunches. If there was one day she'd be thankful for a comatose social partner it would have been right then but typically it was quite the opposite.

Ben walked up beside them and put a hand around his wife's waist, he had that glow. The I-just-got-freshly-laid look.

"Hey I hope you don't mind that Willie tagged along, he's got a crush on Chuck."

Chuck laughed lightly.

"He wont be the first or the last."

Ben rose his eyebrows.

"You have quite a following in the gay community then?"

Chuck frowned.

"Willie's gay?"

"I thought the crush part gave it away."

Chuck shuffled his feet.

"I thought you were joking."

"I am."

Chuck sighed.

"I thought so, he looks too butch too be gay. Besides, aren't they supposed to be stylish?"

He directed his gaze pointedly to Willie's wife beater and orange shorts at which Ben laughed.

"He's the exception to the rule."

"You just said he wasn't gay!"

"No I didn't."

"You just said you were joking!"

Chuck hadn't had such a confusing conversation since listening to Dan's intellectual babble at his reception. Blair and Lea were already moving to the table apparently thinking the same thing.

"Yeah about the crush not the sexuality, you're not his type."

Chuck glared.

"I am everybody's type."

Ben patted him on the back.

"Well you can seduce him over mojotos if it makes you feel better. All you can eat and drink on us. It's a thank you for the hotel room you got us, we usually don't accept charity but we knew you'd be insulted if we refused. You have to come stay with us sometime or something so we can try and repay you."

"Believe me it's nothing."

"Well it is to us and we wont take no for an answer."

He didn't particularly want to share a pull out bed in their tiny Boston apartment when he could be relaxing in his presidental suite there but he was tired of fighting.

"Then I guess yes is the only other alternative."

The men sat down one end of the table with the women at the other end. Chuck busied himself chatting to Willie which Blair knew was to both ignore her as punishment and keep himself from being a dick in front of people he liked because of her. Chuck hated being out of the loop and being on the backfoot with his own wife had him grinding his teeth in irritation.

Lea rambled on about how gorgeous their new hotel room was now they weren't sharing their sleep space with bed bugs that actually bite and not avoiding suspicious stains on the carpet. Blair was happy to listen to her even if every other word was thank you, it was less effort than having to put forward conversation topics.

Chuck was talking about surfing with Willie while Ben listened to them contentedly, if his dopey expression was anything to go by, he hadn't got much sleep.

"Do you think that waiter goes for older men?"

Chuck craned his head past Willie's to eye the handsome latino serving drinks. It was a definite tangent away from their current topic.

"How do you know he's gay?"

It wasn't the conversation Chuck usually ventured into but he was genuinely curious and was dying to see the look of pure horror on the guy's annoying perfect features if he was in fact straight and had a middle-aged hippie hitting on him.

"He might not be but sex is sex right?"

Chuck burst out laughing. It caught him by surprise, he was supposed to be in a bad mood but he guessed he was better at compartmentalising than he thought.

"Dude I know you are older and supposed to be wiser but for us straight males, sex with a man is in no way a viable alternative to sex with a woman. It's sex with a woman and if that doesn't happen, it's sex with a hooker which is always a sure thing. Well so I hear, I've never been turned down but I know a few guys lazy enough to skip straight to the done deal."

"What about half the men in prison?"

"Entirely different scenairo Willie. You are just wishful thinking. If you couldn't have sex with a guy and a woman threw herself at you would you do her?"

"Hell yeah I would. Don't get much of either these days though so I have to be more pro-active."

Maybe gay wasn't the right word for Willie. 'Not fussy' seemed a better definition.

"You are one very special man Willie."

Willie laughed.

"People say you're an asshole. You're really just a puppy."

Chuck frowned.

"Who said I'm an asshole?"

He glared at his wife who was avoiding his gaze. He didn't mind her calling _him_ an asshole but it was entirely different to call him that to a stranger, on their honeymoon no less!"

"People on the internet. I did some research on you after you left. Your reputation is frightening. What a lot of bullshit!"

Chuck rolled his eyes.

"I'd rather not talk about work. Or how lovely I really am deep down inside. I see you how I want you to see me, end of story."

He hated being called a demon as equally as being called a saint. He was neither of course which was why such extremes irritated him. A 'puppy' was even worse and Willie seemed to realise his mistake.

"Rightio. You order me the shrimp and I'll go see that waiter."

Willie stood up abruptly which knocked the table loudly and pulled down his wife beater proudly. Chuck as well as the rest of the table were watching with baited breath. Unfortunately, the waiter turned the corner to go back inside the restaurant and they disappeared from sight.

The lunch had been ordered and eaten by the time Willie returned, rather red in the face. He was puffing loudly which prompted Chuck's interrogation.

"Your shrimp has been waiting. What were you doing? Or do I not want to know?"

Willie tucked into his food before saying anything. Ben than ventured his opinion:

"He obviously got some, no one leaves the table to chat someone up and returns half an hour later was just talking."

Chuck smirked.

"I can say from experience Ben that that is an accurate assumption."

Willie finally spoke.

"I didn't get a number or nothing. I chickened out with all your straight men don't like gay sex nonsense. I went to the bathroom instead and accidentally locked myself in the stall. It took me half an hour and a lot of ramming myself against the door before I got out. I think it's God's way of telling me to keep it in my pants."

Ben shook his head in sympathy.

"Next time buddy."

They all finished their meals without Blair and Chuck saying one word to each other the whole time. Everyone was so busy with their own conversations that no one noticed the tension.

"Okay guys I just want to say thank you so much for everything. You've shared such an important time with us. Getting married, my first broken nose etc and we love you for it. You are terrific, awesome, beautiful human beings and a kick ass couple. Please come to Boston to see us sometime, we've given you our address and we have your email."

Blair and Lea hugged each other and there was a lot of shaking of hands and grunts of mutual admiration from the men. Blair promised to get in touch and actually meant it. Willie pulled them both into a bear hug, he towered over them and smelt of sweat but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable.

"Go make handsome babies you crazy love birds."

Finally Chuck and Blair made their way down the beach still having not communicated properly.

"Chuck I'll tell you what's on my mind now."

She had enough issues without marital strife being added to the list. Lea was right, they were a kick ass couple and could handle it together.

"Oh really? What do you want me to be grateful? Give you a prize for giving in? Really, don't strain yourself."

Blair sighed.

"Sarcasm. So original. You're in your ass-boy mood still I take it."

"You started it."

"Really? That's your comeback? It feels so odd being _eight _again."

"Didn't I mention the patronising thing being annoying?"

Blair kicked sand at him. He made her so angry that she abandoned the high ground of maturity and joined him in his arrested development. He looked like he wanted to laugh at her sour face and sand-kicking but he said nothing.

"Fine, silence is golden. You apparently don't want to know my big secret. Fine by me."

They walked down the beach aimlessly for a good ten minutes in proud silence before Chuck's curiosity won over.

"Are you pregnant?"

He tried not to sound terrified but Blair saw right through it.

"No."

Chuck let out a breath.

"Thank fucking Christ."

Blair smiled.

"Amen."

"So what is it?"

And she told him. Every detail from beginning to end. She didn't dare look at him in case he put her off. If she saw murder in his eyes she wasn't sure she could or would stop him. Instead he looked amused.

"How can you find this funny Chuck?"

"Just Kelly's nerve is hilarious. She doesn't know what she's got herself into."

"Aren't you at all upset?"

"I'm angry but there's nothing that gets me hotter than scheming with you my little vixen. It's how we became friends in the first place so it's almost symbolic we take on a plan of revenge on our honeymoon."

"True. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I wanted to protect you I guess."

"I probably would have done the same so I'm sorry for being an 'ass-boy' as you so delicately put it."

He took her hand and kissed it with a wicked grin on his face that foretold Kelly's downfall.

"You're forgiven."

"Good. Now for the fun part."

A/N: You'll find out how Kelly managed to get the sex tape next chapter. I apologize to anyone offended by Willie or the content of speech. I have a great respect for gay people but it's simply in the interests of comedy. Just thought I'd lay it out there :)

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	8. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer: I don't own gossip girl or any of it's characters, I'm just not that lucky._

_So this is it! The end has come! It took me forever to write this but I'm fairly happy with how it turned out. Please let me know what you think and any suggestions for future stories you might like to see (I'm always up for a challenge!)_

Puresimplicity-xo: Willie was the eccentric notary that married Ben and Lea in a previous chapter :)

**Just a warning: For some annoying reason when I saved this version half of it transformed into italics, I have no idea how to fix it!**

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Blair hated to think it, but planning glorious revenge wasn't as thrilling as it used to be. It would still go out with a bang as always (pun intended) and would be just as glorious but felt less satisfying. Planning to ruin her enemies used to be akin to waiting for Santa on Christmas eve, you almost didn't want it to be over because the anticipation was as sweet as the actual event.

Not this time.

Sure it was amusing to watch Chuck sit in a deck chair with the grin of a kid in a candy store as he pondered over all and every way of humiliating and destroying Kelly. He was even humming to himself as he reclined back to bathe in the sun. Blair had been into it in the beginning but the more they discussed it the more depressed it made her feel.

Depressed that she couldn't escape the various necessities of her normality. Cunning and strategy were her way of life in the big city but even she wanted a change sometimes. Just one week to be someone she might have been if she hadn't grown up with everything. A week to try and be nice to people (even if she'd learnt from the Josh experience) and a week to just unwind. Instead she kept meeting assholes and always seemed to be surrounded by backstabbing wannabes everywhere she went.

Money could make people crazy. It usually brought out the worst in people who hadn't known it all their lives. It meant anyone marrying in to wealth were usually smart, a little evil and deceptively beautiful. They weren't people, they were the projection of whatever everyone wanted them to be and it was draining to socialise with them. Serena was the only decent friend she had! Lea could probably count now too.

It wasn't that she didn't want Kelly to pay it was just a sad reflection of her life that she had to go to such lengths.

"Earth to Blair?"

Blair snapped out of her melancholy reverie when she realised Chuck was staring at her impatiently.

"Oh sorry what?"

"I asked what you came up with."

"Patience is a virtue darling, sabotage is an art form it can't be rushed."

"Which means you have fuck all. I'm thinking whatever we come up with, shaving off that fake hair of hers should be included. I've always wanted to shave someone's head."

"That's nice dear."

She patted his head patronisingly from her own chair but it was a bit of a reach and ended up being rather awkward and slightly painful.

"Are you finished?"

She retracted her arm quickly.

"Yup."

"At least I've got the cogs in motion, you're just staring into space looking a little retarded. Is that drool I see?"

He moved his hand towards her face, a patronising smirk on his own features.

"Quit it Bass."

She swiped his hand away and huffed.

"Doesn't it annoy you?"

She knew it was a vague question but she wasn't sure whether she wanted to admit her wavering or not.

"Teasing you? Never. It's the highlight of my life, I couldn't have married someone I couldn't ridicule."

His grin made her smile slightly.

"I was thinking the exact same thing. I couldn't have committed to a sensible man with taste it would have shown me up. You are perfect for me Chuckles."

Chuck stared at the sky with a pretend look of pleading on his face.

"These are the moments I'll cherish when we're old and look back on on my death bed cupcake."

Blair cracked up laughing. She didn't care so much about the drawbacks of her lifestyle anymore because Chuck could always make her forget them, even without meaning to. She might have been an emotional wreck going through life without someone to distract her with petty squabbling.

"Chuck we all know you wont make it to a deathbed, one of your business associates will poison your coffee long before then."

"Thanks for reminding me. Anyway you've had long enough, divulge your devious plan."

Blair smiled widely, she had actually come up with something! Once her heavy mood had passed she found her inspiration.

"Okay well…"

* * *

__

The next day

"Hello?"

"Hey S!"

There was a slight pause on the phone.

"This isn't Blair is it?"

Blair scoffed.

"You don't recognise my voice after all these years? I'm wounded."

Serena laughed.

"I just didn't expect you to love me enough to call me on your honeymoon."

"Me neither but-"

There was a sharp gasp at the other end of the line.

"Are you okay? What did Chuck do? Did he cheat on you? If that prick did anything-"

"-S have a little faith and let me finish okay?"

She appreciated her friend's protectiveness but Chuck would never get the benefit of the doubt with her. Some things just couldn't be changed and Chuck wasn't saintly enough to encourage them too.

"Okay but if you're going to tell me you're pregnant at least warn me to sit down and put down my coffee cup."

"You'd hear hysterical crying if that were the case, coming from Chuck. I just need to fax you over some documents tomorrow and when you get them can you not look at them but put them in an envelope and keep them somewhere safe and hidden until I get back? I don't trust anyone else to do it."

"What's happened? You know I suck at the cloak and dagger stuff."

That was true, Serena was so annoyingly good-hearted that when the jealous bitches of their social world planned to bring her down, Blair had to be the one to put them in their place. In fact, Serena's life would be a lot more hassle if Blair wasn't pulling out threats and strategies behind the scenes to keep opportunists from hurting her. Serena of course knew none of this (at least that relating to her) because that's the kind of friend Blair was.

"Nothing serious just please do it? Keep it secret okay? I wont be able to rest peacefully on my honeymoon if you don't."

Serena sighed, she wished she wasn't so used to blindly involving herself in Blair's 'projects' but what was a best friend to do? She trusted Blair so the answer would always be yes.

"I don't have much of a choice. Fax it over around four, no one will be home then."

"Did I mention how I adore you?"

"Did I mention you're a pain in the ass? I miss you."

"I miss you too. Although not that much, it _is_ my honeymoon."

They both giggled.

"Text me when you lovebirds are back."

"Will do, ciao."

Chuck came out of the bathroom after a quick shave. Blair hated kissing him with stubble.

"Did she agree?"

"Of course she did."

"I doubt she would if she knew how illegal it all was. If Dan finds it we are screwed."

"There's always an element of risk, it's what makes it so exciting."

Chuck grinned as he flung himself down on the bed.

"Fuck yeah baby, I'm almost glad Kelly turned out to be a backstabbing whore. It was worth it just to give us this opportunity."

"I don't quite see your logic but whatever."

Chuck ran a hand up her leg to massage her thigh.

"Let's give our brains a rest for a while shall we? We can work out other parts of our bodies instead."

He wiggled his eyebrows up and down comically to make Blair laugh. It worked, as always.

"It_ is_ only fair hubby."

Chuck hummed into the side of her neck which always made her squeal, it tickled in a way that sent electric shocks up her spine.

"Wait Chuck."

They had their hands in each other's pants and were just working up a harminous rhythm when Blair detached and wiggled out from under him.

"What? I have a condom."

"Shhh."

"For fuck sakes what? You can't just get me this aroused and then jump ship, it's not good manners."

"What if there are more cameras in here? I've learnt my lesson once. What about a bug? They could be listening to everything and our plan will be shot to hell."

Chuck burst out laughing.

"What's so fucking funny?"

Chuck sat up and tried to smooth his dishevelled clothing, a flushed Blair was standing with her hands on her hips glaring down at him. She didn't realise how much of an aphrodisiac that was. Her eyebrows raised impatiently when Chuck just kept giving her the sex-eyes. They melted her will power so she tried to move further back but Chuck outstretched his legs either side of her and bent them inwards trapping her and pushing her forward into the bed. It was so fast that she tipped forward on to him and bed.

"Don't be all distracty!"

Chuck knew not to roar with laughter again, she'd just her panties even more twisted and he prefered her without them at all. He couldn't help one dig though.

"Distracty? Are you making up new words to work as code against our CIA enemies?"

"Be quiet or you can sort out your own boner."

"Crude darling."

She smiled dangerously and squeezed it, hard. She always felt physical threats were much more persuasive.

"Okay okay I'm just saying you shouldn't be so paranoid. Kelly isn't a spy, besides that kind of stuff costs more than she could afford. She went with a well placed video camera, it's hardly genius. She had the element of surprise, that's all."

"I guess."

"Now as much as your teasing is a turn on, you better be putting out in the next few seconds."

Blair rolled her eyes as he pulled down her underwear under her skirt.

"Aren't we the charmer?"

Chuck grinned so cheekily that Blair was almost forced to eat her words.

* * *

__

Next morning.

Blair raptly tensely on Kelly's hotel door.

"Oh hi Blair! Hows things?"

Josh was beaming at her in his ratty bathroom. Did he have selective memory or something? The last time she saw him she had had a face of thunder and now he was acting like she hadn't been in the mood to rip out his non-existence spine. He was officially an idiot.

"Fine. Where's Kelly?"

"Just finishing in the shower. She said you might be coming around, it's so nice you guys are getting on. After the last time we saw you- well anyway I'm glad the bad blood has passed.

_If only there was going to be bloodshed, but that was too easy._

"Are you just going to entertain me in your bathrobe? Why don't you get some clothes on and I'll wait outside for your wife."

She plastered a polite smile on despite almost forcing every syllable out through gritted teeth. Josh was an easy mark, she could save her true acting skills for his 'better' half.

"Silly me! Kelly does say appearance is everything."

"I bet she does."

"Be back in a tick."

Blair spent a good five minutes tracing the patterns on the carpet with her heel. How dare she make her wait! Finally the wicked witch appeared confidently in the doorway.

"Good morning Blair. I trust you've come to a decision? Where's your lovely husband?"

"Out of your claws thankfully. He doesn't know about this deal, I don't need both of us to suffer this indignation."

"Smart choice, it can be just us girls. Although I'd think the bigger indignation would be having your father-in-law witness you fucking his son porno-style."

Kelly appeared so smug that Blair's hand automatically rose up and slapped her hard across the face before she realised what she was doing. A maid walking passed smiled slightly in satisfaction, apparently Kelly wasn't a favourite with many people.

Kelly narrowed her eyes.

"For someone in your position-"

Blair shrugged.

"-I said I'd give you the money, I didn't say I'd make it easy for you."

Kelly must have grown impatient sparring with her because she cut right to the chase.

"So you _are_ going to give me the money I trust."

"It's hardly going to break the bank so whatever."

"Good."

Josh opened the door between them.

"Do you guys want a drink? The mini bar looks kinda inviting.."

Kelly groaned.

"Shut up Josh we're trying to talk. Didn't I say not to interrupt?"

"Yeah but-"

Blair rolled her eyes.

"Josh why don't you go the bar downstairs and we'll join you in a minute?"

Josh eyed his wife for permission, she slumped her shoulders in defeat so he picked up one the room keys and went to leave.

"Oh and Josh?"

Josh swung around to greet Blair's question so she slapped him quickly.

It was becoming a bit of a habit.

"Grow some fucking balls! I don't care whether you're the biggest loser in this place, at least have some fucking self-respect. This is the best advice you'll probably ever get, take it. Remember the stinging cheek as punishment for being such a dickless wonder okay?"

Blair felt liberated and couldn't even muster the compassion to feel sorry for his gob smacked expression and flushed cheeks. He didn't even try to defend himself he just turned around and silently walked to where he was told. Some people would never learn.

"Was that _really_ necessary Blair?"

She shrugged nonchalantly again.

"I probably did you a favour. You can't really be satisfied with him? You could just get a dog and save all the money for yourself."

Kelly looked pained for a millisecond but composed herself.

"We can't all have the fairytale life. Josh is good to me."

"Yeah and you treat him like crap."

"He's still around isn't he? He wont get lazy or complacent."

"Whatever it's fucked up."

It was odd to be having a relationship talk with her but it was all part of the deception.

"Be quiet Blair, no one wants to hear you. If I wanted judgement I'd go visit my mother not subject myself to the opinions of a spoilt airhead with too many kiss asses telling her she's worth something."

Blair's expression hardened.

"Let's get this over with. We'll go the bank now and I'll wire you the money."

She nodded haughtily and followed Blair towards the elevator.

"Just so you're aware I haven't left a copy of the tape in my room if you're trying to steal it. I have several copies in locations you'll never find so I'd give up any plan for revenge."

Blair scoffed.

"Please, I have better things to do on my honeymoon. Paying you is the easiest thing in the world."

"Not for your pride."

She laughed.

"No offence Kelly but I still have everything and you still have to resort to tricks to make anything of yourself so I'm not feeling too humiliated next to you."

Kelly pursed her lips, the game was on.

* * *

They took the side entrance out on to the street to avoid Josh who was still probably waiting by the piano with his tongue hanging out.

Blair hailed a taxi but Kelly pulled back.

"Where are you taking me?"

That earned her a pointed look.

"To the bank dipshit where do you think?"

"The bank is across the road."

"It's not the right bank."

"What?"

Blair sighed and opened the cab door.

"Get in and I'll explain."

Kelly had a dubious expression on her face which made Blair laugh.

"Are you scared of me?"

Her opponent laughed shrilly.

"_Hardly_."

She was rewarded with a scowl.

"Then get the fuck in."

Kelly did as she was told reluctantly and was sniffing with disapproval as Blair gave the address to the driver.

"So why are you heading out so far?"

"I don't want Chuck seeing me. It's a little suspicious not to mention obvious going to the bank across from the hotel with someone he knows I hate don't you think? I can't risk him catching on."

"Apparently you do have more than two brain cells to rub together."

Blair flipped her hair confidently.

_If only you knew._

It was half an hour by the time they got to the front of the queue at the bank before Blair cursed in realisation.

"What is it?"

Kelly was already impatient and starting to sweat in the badly air-condition building.

"I just realised I need to make an appointment with one of the bank guys. The money you're asking isn't the kind of thing you transfer without getting questions asked. It's not out of our joint accountant luckily but still. We'll have to queue at the other line."

Kelly sighed.

"We have to queue to make an appointment? This is ridiculous. You're doing this on purpose."

Blair did her best outraged expression.

"Do you think I enjoy waiting somewhere hot as hades with the anti-christ herself for hours to fork over a chunk _my _money?"

Kelly rolled her eyes but looked convinced enough to line up in the other queue.

It was a good hour since leaving the hotel before they were sitting down with a harassed looking financial consultant.

"Good afternoon I'm Lawerence. What can I do for you ladies?"

Blair smiled brightly.

"I'd like to transfer some money from my account to someone else's account please."

Lawerence's jaw tensed and he frowned over at the bank tellers as if was their fault he was wasting his time which such a mundane request.

"You can do that online you know."

Blair shook her head demurely.

"I don't have online banking, don't trust it. Besides it's a large amount that I'll need to sign off on."

"Oh?"

"Yeah ten million dollars to be precise."

Lawerence's eyes widened and he finally looked intrigued.

"Oh okay well why don't you give me all the details and sort it all out for you. Take a seat on one of the couches outside the office if you like, it might take a while.

_Perfect._

* * *

It had been ten minutes but Blair already want to kill Kelly. She actually had a moment of consideration of what it would be like to jab her heel into her neck.

"Stop it!"

"No!"

"I said stop!"

"So? What are you, my mother?"

The conversation had been reduced to petty squabbling. They were even nudging each other non-to-gently in their sides as they sat glued together on the tiny, wobbly couch. The heat was unbearable, they could almost feel their skin melting off but instead their arms stuck to each other making them even more uncomfortable. The latest argument had been over Kelly jiggling her leg so violently in frustration it made the sofa vibrate. It wasn't really that annoying but Blair wanted to take out her current situation on someone.

Neither of them had had enough to drink or eat and Blair couldn't even feel any sympathy for Lawerence who was in a suit doing math calculations because thinking too hard made her a little dizzy.

Lawerence finally appeared, Blair thought it was a mirage and felt the need to learn forward and stroke his jacket lightly. He rose an eyebrow in curiosity so she stood up quickly and smiled. Kelly pulled her back down again.

"What was that for?"

"Because you ignorant bimbo if you move too suddenly in our state you'll probably faint and this will take _even_ longer."

Kelly asked Lawerence if someone could get them waters to which he graciously agreed.

"Now ladies there does seem to be a problem."

Kelly ignored her own advice and leapt up anyway.

"What could be wrong now?"

"Mrs. Bass's account that she wants to transfer money out of is a trust fund."

Blair tried not to smile and instead formed a confused frown.

"Like so? Just take the money."

"It's not that simple. The trustees have to be notified."

"But I get money from it all the time into my spending account."

"Yes but nothing like the bulk sum you're requesting, the money not tied up with properties and companies is drip-fed to you over time, those are the conditions of your trust. If you want _that_ amount of money you have to talk to the trustees first and get them to sign off."

Kelly was starring daggers at Blair who was finding it difficult not to roll around on the floor in hysterics. Mainly from dehydration but also from elation at Kelly's misfortune.

"Oh okay well thank you for your time Lawerence."

"No problem."

He shook her hand but was wise enough to steer clear of Kelly who was pacing angrily.

"Kelly if you keep moving around so violently in our state you'll faint, isn't that right?"  
_  
If on__ly._

"Shut up! You think this is funny? Well now you have no choice but to involve Chuck and get the money out of your joint account."

Blair pretended to think hard for a minute.

"Well a lot of Chuck's money is assets and he'll have to sort of the paperwork so it doesn't look suspicious. Might take a good few weeks."

"You know full well we don't have that long so find a loophole. That's what he's good at isn't it?"

Blair's cell phone beeped and whatever it said made her bounce up and down giddily.

"About time!"

Kelly frowned.

"For what?"

"To tell you you can shove your proposition right up your sagging ass."

Kelly looked shocked, as it did most of the customers in the bank. Apparently excitement had ignored her indoor voice.

"What do you mean?"

Opps. She was supposed to say that once they had revealed the tragic ending to her tragic endeavours.

__

"Let's go back to the hotel and we'll sort everything out with Chuck."

"Something isn't right."

"Yeah, _you_."

"No. You couldn't bare the idea of telling Chuck and now you're fine with, just like that?"

"Of course not, I'm just exhausted and want to get this all over with. Shall we go or continue to dissolve here?"

"Fine."

Chuck was lounging casually at the hotel's patio bar with Josh. He was fiddling with his blackberry while Josh read a book. By the bored look on Chuck's face it was obvious they hadn't met on purpose. Blair lead Kelly to them trying desperately to supress the spring in her step.

"Hey boys."

Josh looked at her with a blank expression before focussing on his wife.

"You took forever."

Kelly shrugged.

"Yeah well. Could you go to our room? I need to discuss something with the Basses."

"Like what?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I'm your husband and I deserve to be told."

"Since when? You wouldn't understand anyway. Just do it okay?"

Chuck coughed awkwardly and Blair gave Josh an encouraging smile. At least he was making an effort to be a man.

"Yeah Kelly why can't Josh join, myself and Blair don't mind."

Blair had a slight attack of conscience. When Blair had first met Josh, despite everything, he had been happy. He was Kelly's spineless bitch but he was a _happy_ spineless bitch. If he found out the whole messy affair he'd be hurt and things would get fucked up. Punishing Kelly didn't have to include her husband, he was an idiot but he was a good guy.

"Actually Chuck I'd prefer if Josh left us. No offence Josh but it's a personal matter that Kelly is helping me with."

Josh smiled slightly and Chuck was eyeing her curiously.

"That's my girl. Fine I'll disappear."

He kissed his wife affectionately before exiting back into the coolness of the hotel.

"So darling I think you can have the honour of telling Kelly. I got to see her suffer for more than an hour."

Chuck beckoned her to sit on his lap.

"Can I get you a drink Kelly?"

Their victim stood rigidly by the chair and shook her head, sensing foul play. Blair stole some of husband's drink. Alcohol wouldn't exactly help her dehydration but it tasted amazing.

"What is going on?"

"Good question Kelly. Here's how things stand. Your room was planted with heroin while you and Josh were out and only half an hour ago police raided it discreetly. They have the drugs, your records and an arrest warrant. In fact, right now you're looking at a good few years in prison."

Kelly collapsed into the chair.

"But-"

Chuck put up his hand. He was enjoying this way too much.

"-Let me finish, it ends happier. I, of course bribed my friends in the police department to make this all possible and I have faxed over all the documents incriminating you as well as official records somewhere safe. If you ever release the tape you made of me and my wife I will bring those accommodating police officers down on you like a ton of bricks. The threat will always be hanging over your head thanks to the wonders of catalogue and administration. It's only my good will that keeps them suppressed, for now."

Kelly had turned white, it was a beautiful sight that made Blair's heart swell.

"Anything you want to add Blair?"

"Other than how great I was at keeping Kelly away?-

Kelly was still like a stone so Blair sighed.

"-Now you know how it feels. Think of it this way, you don't leave here with anything less than you came here with. Other than your dignity that is. You can still live your crappy life with your spineless husband without a glass window and an orange jumpsuit between you. It's more than you deserve."

"You guys are unbelievable. You can't get away with this!"

Chuck laughed huskily.

"Have you never heard of the power elite? The military, political and business groups rule society and have all the power. I have connections with all three. I'm untouchable you stupid bitch. Try to bring me down and I will not hold back next time. Am I understood?"

Kelly sat mutely but from the defeated expression on her face they knew they had won but Chuck pressed on:

"So did you bribe the hotel staff into letting you in our room? I punish everyone equally so if you feel like naming names-"

Kelly shook her head.

"No, I just harassed a maid to convince her I was Blair and she let me in. It's easy manipulating the naive and underpriviledged, but I'm sure you're well aware of that. I take it you bribed hotel staff?"

Chuck shrugged.

"Didn't have to. I'm Chuck Bass."

Kelly stood slowly.

"Are we done?"

Blair was slightly disappointed. She had hoped Kelly would shout and swear or at least try physical violence, something to snap her out of her generally composed exterior. Yet she barely rose to the bait but a win was win either way.

"I think so."

She walked back inside quickly. They found out the next day from the concierge a few hours later that the Harmonds had checked out early.

_Figures._

* * *

Blair and Chuck opted to stay in their hotel room that night and order room service. All the deception and excitement had worn them out more than the celebratory sex marathon so they were quite happy to not move and just watch TV.

"We can't always do this you know."

Chuck stared at his beef strognoff and then at his wife.

"Have whatever we want to eat made whenever we want it?"

"No the whole scheming thing."

Chuck sighed happily.

"Why not? You losing your nerve?"

She threw a noodle at him in indignation which stuck to his face. He tried to look put out but she crawled over to him seductively and licked it off before snorting with laughter. She could be such a goof.

"Of course not but we have to set an example eventually."

"To who?"

"Our children."

Chuck swallowed a piece of meat whole and began to choke violently so Blair slapped him over hard on the back.

It took a good few minutes for his throat to stop aching and he hoped it was long enough to have diverted her attention.

"So I'm just saying, one day we'll have to turn the other cheek or our kids will end up with a warped sense of justice. They'll probably end up as vigilantes or something."

Chuck thought for a moment.

"Like Bruce Wayne? Playboy billionaire by day, caped crusader by night. Pretty cool if you ask me."

"Be serious."

"You're the one that started with the vigilante crap."

Blair groaned in exasperation.

"I was trying to make a point."

"That we should be pushovers in our old age?"

"You're determined to evade the issue."

"What issue?"

Blair gave him a pointed look and slapped his leg. Slapping was so much fun!

"Fine tell me the issue and I'll give you a straight answer."

"I just told you! When we have children we have to be good parents who don't encourage getting around the law with bribes."

"Of course I wont encourage that."

"So if one our our kids ends up getting bullied you wont tell him to bribe a teacher to hit them or threaten te bully's parents?"

Chuck looked her straight in the eye.

"I defnitely won't do that."

Blair nuzzled into him contently.

"Good boy."

"I'll do all the dirty work myself."

Blair shoved a pillow in his face.

It wasn't quite the honeymoon Blair had planned but if she had learnt anything through the highs and lows it was that bliss, harmony, perfection ya da ya da was all relative. She got to make a few friends, smack down her enemies and have the best sex of her life.

Oh and to spend precious time with her one and only, her sugar pie honey bunch.

She had pretended to be affronted at the horrified expression and fake wretching noises he had made at such a 'beautiful' endearment.


End file.
